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Still Mieka. Still Pretty. More Me

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Church On Sunday- Grace

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Trust Issues

This relationship shit tho...! not that I'm in one. lol. I'm again single. Yall I got some serious trust issues ..

Him- "Mieka I want to be with you
Me- "uuummmm"
Him- "What does that mean"
Me- "IDK... I mean I just ... well.. ummm"

It means that for some reason, something that you have already did got me thinking you playing... and I just do not have the time for non-sense.

I've done the whole love thing before and when its good, its wonderful, laugh when its raining wonderful, but hunni when its bad....
So I have some real trust issues people
It's not that I think that all men are bad, but if I get any feeling At all that it's not right ....

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                      It's funny how 2 years become 5 years and 5 years become 10.

10 years ago I was 23 and I just knew that there was         something out there that was MORE. 2 years later I was still convinced that this MORE was real and 5 years after that I think I was just at a stand still. At 33 I'm once again searching for my MORE. More love, more confidence, more happy, more

 And I'm excited because I realize now more than ever that I am responsible for my MORE. It seems crazy to say that because we are always responsible for our life, our happy and whatever state of being that we wish to receive, unfortunately we don't all see that at 7 or 14 or even 21 so we continue to wait for this BIG thing to happen to us that only we can make happen for ourselves.
So here I am 33, making plans to return to school to have more, be more and achieve more because I know that I'm worth it and smart enough to obtain it. So here I am at 33 and I'm ok with who I am and even though I'm not Dr. Adams or Ms. CEO or simply Mrs. I am a person who realizes that you only get one life and that my choices are mine, my happiness is mine and so what if I'm not completely 'there' yet's a process and I'm more than willing to smile on my way to wherever 'there' is.

Pamieka La Joy Adams 
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We haven't forgotten just who you were to us
your laugh or your smile
We remember
there are still days we cry and nights where your memory keeps us awake
we don't go months or days without thinking about you
 sometimes we only go seconds
our tears still fall and we still smile with thoughts of you
We remember
and we miss you.
We haven't forgotten just who we were to you
the love you gave so easily
or the time you shared so caringly
The world continues to turn and leaves to fall
but our hearts are ever filled with you
our minds always holding you
True love doesn't die
it simply gets stronger as time pass
We remember
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....No one knows a fool until he speaks

I really need to be more careful with how I say things. My tone can be awful. I promise that it's not always intentional, but hunni do some stuff come out ugly. I've got to fix that. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm saying that I forget How I'm saying things.
I didn't make any resolutions this year but this year I want be more conscious of how I treat people. I think that I am a nice person but sometimes I become so consumed with weather someone is attempting to hurt me in some way that I end up lashing out defensively and even if they are wrong in what they say or do I want to walk away not feeling like I need to apologize.
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TIDE no R needed

Yall I am TIDE no R needed.

I need a vacay from everything … mostly work. The good news is I finally made the first move to completing my education, which was my goal when I came to this company almost 3 years ago. Crazy how plans change huh? I need 2 vacations, 1 with my friends who I almost never see anymore (maybe the dude) and one just in my apartment by myself (no dude) with about 50 books. It was such a bad idea for me to schedule myself for all these damn hours. Tide is not a good look for me. I need to do my hair, some skin treatments, I need to sleep, and I’m moody as hell. I go from wanting to punch somebody in the face to crying all in 24 hours. I am stressed the f...ummm freak out!!  And wouldn’t you know it, on my off day I have agreed to have my niece and God-daughter over for food and movies…… the stupid things we do.
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Dudes play more games then females.... That is all .................

.....................Still Pretty

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Happy Day!!

These eyebrows need some help but still ....
It's New Year's Eve!! I don't have any resolutions, nothing that I just have to do, or be this year that's going to make this year better than the rest. My plan? continue to be me and better. #muah  

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Just Me .....Repost from '09

It's crazy how people have so many issues with themselves that they push them off on you. I'm a big girl, a fat girl and to be real I always have been. I'm not going to lie and say that over the years that I haven't ever felt sad or depressed about my weight that would be stupid. I know people...well women... who weigh half of what I do and have issues with their weight so there is no way that I'm going to say that every day I feel perfect just the way I am, I don't. But I do love myself and I have so many more good days then bad, if you were to ask a member of my family or a close friend of mine they will no doubt tell you that I think the world of me, fat and all. :)

Growing up fat wasn't easy at home and certainly not at school. I'm one of five and three of my siblings are male and older than me so some days home was worse than school. And I didn't even mention my crazy uncle who till this day still calls me Cushy (as in cushion) and makes jokes every time I see him. No it was not easy being a fat little girl at all, but I did it. It was a part of who I was and as hard as it was I'm grateful for the tears just as much as I am for the smiles because it made me.... me.

By the time I started school I was more than a little used to being teased with brothers who were three, four, and five years older than me (and my crazy uncle) I had just about heard every insult an overweight child could hear so I was ready for school. I was a very quiet child in fact most of my friends now wouldn't even believe it if they could see me then. Today I'm more than a little confident with the woman that I am, but that doesn't mean that I can't remember when I wasn't confident. I've always been a private person; I've never really allowed people to see my feelings hurt no matter what. I still remember crying silent tears in my pillow as a child, not talking to my mom or much of anyone about anything that may have bothered me. To this day I still remember the hurt I felt when my youngest brother insulted my appearance in my favorite dress. I loved that dress it was pink and so pretty to me, but after that day I never wore it again. I hid it in the bottom of a closet and didn't see it again until I was well into my teens. From five till ten I silently listened to all the insults and then one day I decided that I wasn't going to anymore. I don't know what made that day different from all the others but it was and it changed me. I was sitting in class listening to the endless laughs and jokes and then suddenly I was defending myself. I had always defended myself with my brothers but for the most part I didn't have to, the second my grandmother saw tears in my eyes she would make them pay for whatever it was that they had done or said. School was different I never spoke up for myself and bullies always seemed to be aware when the teachers were out of earshot. But that day was different I was tired of it. That day Pamieka who never had a thing to say, Pamieka who always had an A in conduct got in a fight. That day was the first time that I had ever really defended myself to anyone other than my brothers. And that day was the beginning of my confidence. I got in another fight a year later with the same boy but I never had a problem with anyone else at that school. At home my brother still laughed and made jokes, they were still boys but I no longer simply took what they dished out. One day while looking in the mirror I decided that I wasn't just fat I was more. Every day after that for at least the next two years I would look in the mirror and say " I'm gorgeous" and every time my brothers would call me fat I would add to the end " and gorgeous" Till this day I don't know what happened to make me start to do that or to speak out.

By the time I reached high school my confidence had grown so much that I was no longer simply saying "I'm gorgeous" I had started believing it. And I had no problem letting people know just how much I thought of myself. You could see it in my walk, hear it in my voice, and see it in my style. I was fat yes but I was also beautiful, and I was not at all the sort of person who just sat by and took insults. It simply wasn't me anymore.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen (my grandmother wasn't having none of that), but to be honest I didn't really need the restriction. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was fifteen... about three weeks before I turned sixteen. That 'relationship' lasted about 10 seconds. I didn't have another one until about a year and a half later. That relationship turned out to be so much more than the one before. That relationship showed me the ups and downs of love.

I have only been in love that one time, and regardless of the drama, the tears, and the heartbreak I was lucky in love. I wasn't involved in a relationship with someone who tore me down. Instead I fell in love with someone who was not simply a friend but a best friend. Someone who never let a day go by without telling me how pretty he thought I was and wasn't ashamed to tell me in front of whoever was present. He didn't take away from my confidence he added to it. It still makes me smile when I think of all the times he pulled me into his arms to dance and sing "Pretty Brown Eyes" in his less then nice singing voice while his friends looked on. That relationship ended with a lot of tears but it set a standard for me. It helped me to realize what it was that I wanted in a relationship... and what I didn't want. :) It helped me to expect flowers just because, compliments and friendship in my relationships. It helped me to only accept the best for me.

I've had a few relationships since then but love has yet to find me again. I know what I want and that's what I will have (it is soooo many crazies out here I just want the one for me ...who's SANE). People still have a tendency to be surprised when I step into the room with a handsome man who has a career, it's crazy. My aunt can't seem to get over the fact that every time we hang out some dude asks for my number, it's always funny to watch her. People really do act like fat and ugly is the same word. I went out with a friend who really has a banging body ... small waist big booty you know the works. We were sitting at a table listening to the band and drinking our cute little drinks in the pretty know the ones... when two guys walked over both teachers. You could have knocked her over with a feather when it was my name and number they asked for, sista girl’s night was ruined. She just knew that it was her they wanted to talk to after all I am "Fat". I still laugh when I think about it. I promised she said about two sentences to me the rest of the night, and those two were to shoot the dudes down. People have so many hang ups and they always like to act like it's you who have the issue.

who says I can't ? 
Beautiful Fat Girl