5am tears

my brothers and I

...know how you try to put something out of your mind...just so you can make it through the next day? How you try to forget to hurt or cry so that you won't have to? I've been doing that all week.... only it's not working and right now at 5am the hurt has caught up to me and the tears that have been lying in wait are starting to fall. Tomorrow will make six years since my brother passed and ..... and right this second I can no longer hide behind... school or friends. Right now the reality of my loss is staring me right in the face and I can't seem to close my eyes to the fact that six years ago I lost someone wonderful, someone that the grown up me was just beginning to know and understand. So here I am, sad, depressed and typing b/c I haven't been able to face whats happening to my emotions right now much less discuss it.
There are few regrets that I have when it comes to my brother, He loved me..I know that and I loved him and he was aware of my love. The last time we talked in fact we said those words. I'm so happy that it worked out that way. What I do regret is that I didn't understand sooner how hard his life was... that I wasn't grown up enough at 16 or even 19 to know how much he had to bear. My brother developed kidney disease at 8 years old and his life was full of hospital visits and doctors and needles and..... and yet he still laughed... he still enjoyed every minute that he was given. I don't want you to think that I am making him out to be an angle...he wasn't... that boy had a temper on him :) but he was also sweet and kind and so very giving.  I just hate that he left when we were starting to build .. something more. Hate that I lost him when I had just gotten to an age where I was mature enough to understand what he faced.. The constant uncertainties that life offers.... The very first memory that I have of life is of my brother... I was about 3.. maybe.. which would mean he was 7 and he was giving me chips... ..... He was my brother bloggers the first person in my family to give me a birthday gift ... the reason I know and understand how important the words I love you can be... And right now at 5am he's the reason for the tears that are falling down my face and the longing I feel... I miss his laugh.. his voice and yes even that terrible temper.

Happy Day mommy

It's my grandma b-day!! My grandmother has always been the most important person in my life. She raised me and my brothers and sister. She has always been there no matter how many times we have messed up... and let me tell you bloggers ...we have messed up, some more than others. Her love has always been strong and her arms are always open.  My grandmother is one of the reasons I have so much faith and so much hope, she put those feelings in my heart from a very early age. She taught me that even when the world has treated you bad and friends have turned their  back ..YOU can still stand up be strong and walk forward. The first time I went to college I thought it was time to party unfortunately I didn't do much real class work. When my grades dropped and I lost my grants, my grandmother looked at me told me to stop crying "I'll give you the money...Go back. Everybody make mistakes Mieka, you just don't keep making them."
Happy-Day to the strongest, most loving, giving person I know

Happy Valentine's Day•*´¨`*•♥

I guess for some Valentine's Day can be depressing, but I have always been fond of this day... call it my romantic nature. I haven't spent every V-day in love or even in a relationship but I have never really been sad on a V-day.  Happy Valentine's Day Bloggers. If you are single then do something for yourself, Fix your hair, nails,... go out and have a drink and if you have a really good friend call her/him up and have a laugh filled fun day.... after work that is  (◑‿◐)
I don't pretend to know what love is for everyone, but I can tell you what it is for me; love is knowing all about someone, and still wanting to be with them more than any other person, love is trusting them enough to tell them everything about yourself, including the things you might be ashamed of, love is feeling comfortable and safe with someone, but still getting weak knees when they walk into a room and smile at you.•*´¨`*•♥

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...by the way how do you like the new do? I kinda looooove it....

Hopeless Romantic

I chatted with a good friend over the weekend. We talked about relationships and love and I asked her if maybe I was waiting on this hero out of a romance novel.. she said "umm I think so!" lol But she also admitted to me that she wants all the things that I do. We agreed that we are both hopeless romantics. The problem with being a hopeless romantic is that their doesn't seem to be this grand upstanding, strong guy out there waiting just for you to walk into his life. So in the mean time, what bloggers? Do I date a few less than Mr. Right dudes... ? Well that's what I have been doing and let me tell you I just don't see the point of it all. And no I'm not saying that their are no good men out there, I just seem to have a hard time finding a good man that I can fall for. I know some good guys... have even dated a few in the past few years but it just didn't work for me. As I said in a previous blog I just want someone who I can ... I don't know yall .. forget time with.. laugh for hours with, talk to for days. The problem is that I have yet to meet a guy who I want to .. or can see myself being with forever. Crazy but soooo true.  Maybe I'm scared that I'm going to fall for one of these less than novel heroes and one day my Mr. Right off the cover of a romance will walk up and it'll be to late..ummmmm No!! lol... I just haven't met that guy who takes my breath away, and makes me smile for no reason at all.... Haven't met a man whose a hopeless romantic.

** by the way if you haven't read a Beverly Jenkins book check her out...try Vivid first! lovher

Quote of the day

"I'm convinced that we black women possess a special indestructible strength that allows us to not only get down, but to get up, to get through, and get over." Janet Jackson

Just Me

Its been a while since I wrote about being fat huh. Well I'm still fat, still me and still fighting to be happy with who I am and all that I am everyday. I have many skinny friends, in fact I don't really have any close fat friends.. it's an issue I have... but lets leave that for now. I often wonder about used to be fat people and how they stay not fat. Whats their motivation? How do they do it and not go back? A really good friend of mine used to be plus sized and she told me that after she lost the weight she just didn't understand how she had let herself get that big. "Mieka I'm never going to be fat again." It's been six years and sista girl is still little. She really wasn't playin. How did she do it? She worked her butt off. She dieted and did extreme exercise and it worked for her.. not once did she throw in the towel and stop. Yall I need some of that willpower. Maybe I have just never really wanted it enough... I don't know but as of today I am still fat and everyday I realize that this is not healthy. I'm confident in who I am but I want a long simple life ... Being fat is  not healthy nor is it easy...in fact being fat is hard some days harder than others.