Dudes play more games then females.... That is all .................

.....................Still Pretty

Happy Day!!

These eyebrows need some help but still ....
It's New Year's Eve!! I don't have any resolutions, nothing that I just have to do, or be this year that's going to make this year better than the rest. My plan? continue to be me and better. #muah  

Just Me .....Repost from '09

It's crazy how people have so many issues with themselves that they push them off on you. I'm a big girl, a fat girl and to be real I always have been. I'm not going to lie and say that over the years that I haven't ever felt sad or depressed about my weight that would be stupid. I know people...well women... who weigh half of what I do and have issues with their weight so there is no way that I'm going to say that every day I feel perfect just the way I am, I don't. But I do love myself and I have so many more good days then bad, if you were to ask a member of my family or a close friend of mine they will no doubt tell you that I think the world of me, fat and all. :)

Growing up fat wasn't easy at home and certainly not at school. I'm one of five and three of my siblings are male and older than me so some days home was worse than school. And I didn't even mention my crazy uncle who till this day still calls me Cushy (as in cushion) and makes jokes every time I see him. No it was not easy being a fat little girl at all, but I did it. It was a part of who I was and as hard as it was I'm grateful for the tears just as much as I am for the smiles because it made me.... me.

By the time I started school I was more than a little used to being teased with brothers who were three, four, and five years older than me (and my crazy uncle) I had just about heard every insult an overweight child could hear so I was ready for school. I was a very quiet child in fact most of my friends now wouldn't even believe it if they could see me then. Today I'm more than a little confident with the woman that I am, but that doesn't mean that I can't remember when I wasn't confident. I've always been a private person; I've never really allowed people to see my feelings hurt no matter what. I still remember crying silent tears in my pillow as a child, not talking to my mom or much of anyone about anything that may have bothered me. To this day I still remember the hurt I felt when my youngest brother insulted my appearance in my favorite dress. I loved that dress it was pink and so pretty to me, but after that day I never wore it again. I hid it in the bottom of a closet and didn't see it again until I was well into my teens. From five till ten I silently listened to all the insults and then one day I decided that I wasn't going to anymore. I don't know what made that day different from all the others but it was and it changed me. I was sitting in class listening to the endless laughs and jokes and then suddenly I was defending myself. I had always defended myself with my brothers but for the most part I didn't have to, the second my grandmother saw tears in my eyes she would make them pay for whatever it was that they had done or said. School was different I never spoke up for myself and bullies always seemed to be aware when the teachers were out of earshot. But that day was different I was tired of it. That day Pamieka who never had a thing to say, Pamieka who always had an A in conduct got in a fight. That day was the first time that I had ever really defended myself to anyone other than my brothers. And that day was the beginning of my confidence. I got in another fight a year later with the same boy but I never had a problem with anyone else at that school. At home my brother still laughed and made jokes, they were still boys but I no longer simply took what they dished out. One day while looking in the mirror I decided that I wasn't just fat I was more. Every day after that for at least the next two years I would look in the mirror and say " I'm gorgeous" and every time my brothers would call me fat I would add to the end " and gorgeous" Till this day I don't know what happened to make me start to do that or to speak out.

By the time I reached high school my confidence had grown so much that I was no longer simply saying "I'm gorgeous" I had started believing it. And I had no problem letting people know just how much I thought of myself. You could see it in my walk, hear it in my voice, and see it in my style. I was fat yes but I was also beautiful, and I was not at all the sort of person who just sat by and took insults. It simply wasn't me anymore.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen (my grandmother wasn't having none of that), but to be honest I didn't really need the restriction. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was fifteen... about three weeks before I turned sixteen. That 'relationship' lasted about 10 seconds. I didn't have another one until about a year and a half later. That relationship turned out to be so much more than the one before. That relationship showed me the ups and downs of love.

I have only been in love that one time, and regardless of the drama, the tears, and the heartbreak I was lucky in love. I wasn't involved in a relationship with someone who tore me down. Instead I fell in love with someone who was not simply a friend but a best friend. Someone who never let a day go by without telling me how pretty he thought I was and wasn't ashamed to tell me in front of whoever was present. He didn't take away from my confidence he added to it. It still makes me smile when I think of all the times he pulled me into his arms to dance and sing "Pretty Brown Eyes" in his less then nice singing voice while his friends looked on. That relationship ended with a lot of tears but it set a standard for me. It helped me to realize what it was that I wanted in a relationship... and what I didn't want. :) It helped me to expect flowers just because, compliments and friendship in my relationships. It helped me to only accept the best for me.

I've had a few relationships since then but love has yet to find me again. I know what I want and that's what I will have (it is soooo many crazies out here I just want the one for me ...who's SANE). People still have a tendency to be surprised when I step into the room with a handsome man who has a career, it's crazy. My aunt can't seem to get over the fact that every time we hang out some dude asks for my number, it's always funny to watch her. People really do act like fat and ugly is the same word. I went out with a friend who really has a banging body ... small waist big booty you know the works. We were sitting at a table listening to the band and drinking our cute little drinks in the pretty glasses..you know the ones... when two guys walked over both teachers. You could have knocked her over with a feather when it was my name and number they asked for, sista girl’s night was ruined. She just knew that it was her they wanted to talk to after all I am "Fat". I still laugh when I think about it. I promised she said about two sentences to me the rest of the night, and those two were to shoot the dudes down. People have so many hang ups and they always like to act like it's you who have the issue.

who says I can't ? 
Beautiful Fat Girl


  I haven't seriously considered writing in this blog in a really long time, but I am really rethinking it. I never wrote in this blog, or any other, because I wanted readers.. although they are nice lol. I wrote because it was an outlet, a way for me to release some stress and I have always been better (despite my spelling) at writing things, feelings, emotions down, and frankly because I'm good at expressing myself this way. It doesn't always come out the way I want it to, but at the least it's out there. So I am so about to restart doing this. In the IG, SC, FB world (all of which I have) it's not likely to be read BUT .. Oh Well.

This blog was brought to my attention by some negativity but this blog was never negative it was always about...Just Me. Just Mieka, my life, my thoughts, ... ME. So please allow me reintroduce myself.



I have always believed that happiness was a choice that we all must make for ourselves. You can't dwell on the past or the actions of others and still maintain your happy. You also can't spend large portions of your time focused on other people and how they live their lives and claim to be 'Happy'. I believe strongly in living your own life and minding your own business. It is difficult to have your own life if you always find yourself embedded in someone else's.

I believe in being happy, in working to find my own happy place everyday regardless of what's happening in another person's life, home, or work, and regardless of what someone think, or say about me. I determine my happiness not anyone's words or feelings.  Some people become so caught up in other's lives that they can't live their own. They become so driven to gossip or find out about your life that they don't realize how telling their actions are. Happy people, Content people... or even Confident people don't live this way. 

I am so fortunate that I'm not the kind of person who is worried about the Joneses and what they are doing or saying. I am so elated that I understand that my life is mine alone and that I'm not the kind of person who concerns myself with what someone else does or may do.

I am blessed that I am content in a way that doesn't prevent me from wanting, and dreaming of more.

And most of all I am Happy that I am not the kind of person who feels a need to belittle those around them to make myself feel accomplished.


Next Page...

I'm a shoot first think later kind of person ... I so have to think about this.. Every single action doesn't deserve a reaction, but I promise I have a issue with addressing things the correct way. I will never be the kind of person who lashes out at people for no reason but I also am not the type of person who can let a insult to my character go... even if the person making the insult knows very little about me. GOSH!!! I so have to work on that. Everything people say .... Nothing people say, should matter when it's not the truth.. or at least that's what they say BUT people it is so hard to fight a lie when it gets out there and when you work daily to become simply who you are ... Who is anyone else to come along and attempt to break that down or take that away? Reason and age tells me that all to often people who make slap judgments or outright lie on other people have some serious issues but at what point do you step in and say F...umm Freak you? 
lololol.. anyway just a post to replace the last post   

Still Me....

Pamieka LaJoy Adams


life goes on w/o you
slowly it seems but in reality no slower than when you were here
some moments change your life...loosing you changed mine
I'm not as care free w/o you
i don't laugh the same as I used to
tears are hard to find but need to fall
I'm... harder w/o you
not soft or kind
my laugh taste bitter
and I only laugh to find my tears

I don't have to say that I miss you
because they all know
they miss you too
I don't have to find anyone to share my pain
because left behind is a whole family who longs for you
we remember


This single shit is real and getting real old

See this wasn’t the plan for 32 almost 33

But plans have a tendency to go to hell

Love aint what they said it would be

Disney don’t tell little girls that you can give ya all and still not be enough

Fairytales don’t tell tales of niggas and their tall tales

Lying when the truth will do just fine

Time don’t heal broken hearts never completely

And my shit has cracks and dents and holes

But ….. I’m still over this single shit