... tears

Some days are harder then others. Sometimes you can't laugh enough, smile enough. And then there are days when the tears won't stop, on those days you can't laugh to cover the cries, because they won't stay hidden. I've always been told that life wasn't easy, or fair for that matter, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it was hoping that it will be even though I know it doesn't work like that. I truly believe that on some days everyone no mater how big or strong need to let the tears fall. Let out the sadness to make room for happiness to enter. I have had a few of those days. Days when I didn't feel like talking to anyone much less smiling. Today happens to be that day for me.

People are always quick to inform you about life and it's hardships. About their bad choices and how not to make the the same mistakes they did but the hardest parts of life can't be told they are only felt. There is no way to explain the pain of your first heartbreak or the reason for the tears afterward. These are things that you have to experience to fully understand. No one can tell you how to deal with your hard times, only what worked best for them. But after the heartbreak, and the regrets you completely comprehend what they were trying to explain, but you had to first experience it for yourself. The same can be said about the death of a loved one.

I loss my brother a few years ago and shortly after he was gone so was my uncle. To those who have never experienced loss it may be hard to fully understand how I feel right now, because after all it wasn't yesterday even though on some days it feels like it was less then a hour ago, it's been years. I still remember my best friend telling me about when her aunt died (who was more like her mother) and how she would burst into tears at random moments. Four years later I still have days that my emotions overwhelm me. At twenty-one (for me) it's hard to imagine anything hurting worse then a broken heart. At that time there was nothing I could fathom that was worse then being rejected by a man that I thought was the love of my life. I was so very wrong. Heartbreak can not at all compare to large chunks of your heart being taken away.

On some days it's easy. Sometimes I can go for months without the tears... smiling when I remember a funny moment I shared with one of them. And on some days like today smiling just won't do, because I'm to sad, to angry about them not being here, and missing them more then I would sunlight. ....


I am so happy to be back in school, I feel .... like I'm finally on track. When I look around at all my friends and where life has taken them .... well to be honest I have been feeling a little left out. For the last three years my friends have been getting married, having babies, getting there degrees, moving to different states, and getting there own places, and yet here I am doing none of those things and feeling much like I did at eighteen...wanting to be out and about but feeling empty.... helpless. Only I'm not eighteen anymore, and eight years has passed since I was. I'm not the type of person who doesn't take responsibility for my own actions. I realize that in this life we all must make our own choices and our own way, I've just been so slow to make my dreams come true.

When I think back to when I first started college six years ago I remember being optimistic and so hopeful for what my tomorrows would bring. I don't regret a second of those first years....wait I guess if I could go back I would study more ..lol.. But as I told you in a previous blog I gained some wonderful friends.... and I had some fun times with them. But in the mist of all the good times there were some pretty bad ones too. Heartbreak, Death, Sickness, and depression...but that's all for another blog.

I really do feel like this is my time to do me, and believe me when I say I will be doing me. I feel relieved, happy, free, and so freaking scared that I sometimes have to stop and take a deep breath. lol I'm trying not to wait for something bad to happen but its so hard for me to just ..... live without fear. I almost feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I pray daily for nothing to happen to my car... and as days pass I find myself worried about my grandma more and more. Some people might find that crazy but a few years ago I lost my brother without warning and right after that my uncle. I'm trying to just relax and go with the flow of things but to be honest I don't know the last time I just went with the flow. Right now everything is going really well for me I just really wish I could simply relax a little.

Just Me

It's crazy how people have so many issues with themselves that they push them off on you. I'm a big girl, a fat girl and to be real I always have been. I'm not going to lie and say that over the years that I haven't ever felt sad or depressed about my weight, that would be stupid. I know people...well women... who weigh half of what I do and have issues with there weight so there is no way that I'm going to say that everyday I feel perfect just the way I am, I don't. But I do love myself and I have so many more good days then bad, if you were to ask a member of my family or a close friend of mine they will no doubt tell you that I think the world of me, fat and all. :)

Growing up fat wasn't easy at home and certainly not at school. I'm one of five and three of my siblings are male and older then me so some days home was worse then school. And I didn't even mention my crazy uncle who till this day still calls me Cushy (as in cushion) and makes jokes every time I see him. No it was not easy being a fat little girl at all, but I I did it. It was apart of who I was and as hard as it was I'm grateful for the tears just as much as I am for the smiles because it made me.... me.

By the time I started school I was more then a little used to being teased with brothers who were three, four, and five years older then me (and my crazy uncle) I had just about heard every insult a overweight child could could hear so I was ready for school. I was a very quite child in fact most of my friends now wouldn't even believe it if they could see me then. Today I'm more then a little confident with the woman that I am, but that doesn't mean that I can't remember when I wasn't confident. I've always been a private person, I've never really allowed people to see my feelings hurt no matter what. I still remember crying silent tears in my pillow as a child, not talking to my mom or much of anyone about anything that may have bothered me. To this day I still remember the hurt I felt when my youngest brother insulted my appearance in my favorite dress. I loved that dress it was pink and so pretty to me, but after that day I never wore it again. I hid it in the bottom of a closet and didn't see it again until I was well into my teens. From five till ten I silently listened to all the insults and then one day I decided that I wasn't going to anymore. I don't know what made that day different from all the others but it was and it changed me. I was sitting in class listening to the endless laughs and jokes and then suddenly I was defending myself. I had always defended myself with my brothers but for the most part I didn't have to, the second my grandmother saw tears in my eyes she would make them pay for whatever it was that they had done or said. School was different I never spoke up for myself and bullies always seemed to be aware when the teachers were out of earshot. But that day was different I was tired of it. That day Pamieka who never had a thing to say, Pamieka who always had an A in conduct got in a fight. That day was the first time that I had ever really defended myself to anyone other then my brothers. And that day was the beginning of my confidence. I got in another fight a year later with the same boy but I never had a problem with anyone else at that school. At home my brother still laughed and made jokes, they were still boys but I no longer simply took what they dished out. One day while looking in the mirror I decided that I wasn't just fat I was more. Everyday after that for at least the next two years I would look in the mirror and say " I'm gorgeous" and every time my brothers would call be fat I would add to the end " and gorgeous" Till this day I don't know what happened to make me start to do that or to speak out.

By the time I reached high school my confidence had grown so much that I was no longer simply saying "I'm gorgeous" I had started believing it. And I had no problem letting people know just how much I thought of myself. You could see it in my walk, hear it in my voice, and see it in my style. I was fat yes but I was also beautiful,and I was not at all the sort of person who just sat by and took insults. It simply wasn't me anymore.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen (my grandmother wasn't haven't none of that), but to be honest I didn't really need the restriction. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was fifteen... about three weeks before I turned sixteen. That 'relationship' lasted about 10 seconds. I didn't have another one until about a year and a half later. That relationship turned out to be so much more then the one before. That relationship showed me the ups and downs of love.

I have only been in love that one time, and regardless of the drama, the tears, and the heartbreak I was lucky in love. I wasn't involved in a relationship with someone who tore me down. Instead I fell in love with someone who was not simply a friend but a best friend. Someone who never let a day go by without telling me how pretty he thought I was and wasn't ashamed to tell me in front of who ever was present. He didn't take away from my confidence he added to it. It still makes me smile when I think of all the times he pulled me into his arms to dance and sing "Pretty Brown Eyes" in his less then nice singing voice while his friends looked on. That relationship ended with a lot of tears but it set a standard for me. It helped me to realize what it was that I wanted in a relationship... and what I didn't want. :) It helped me to expect flowers just because, compliments and friendship in my relationships. It helped me to only accept the best for me.

I've had a few relationships since then but love has yet to find me again. I know what I want and that's what I will have (it is soooo many crazies out here I just want the one for me ...who's SANE). People still have a tendency to be surprised when I step into the room with a handsome man who has a career, it's crazy. My aunt can't seem to get over the fact that every time we hang out some dude asks for my number, it's always funny to watch her. People really do act like fat and ugly is the same word. I went out with a friend who really has a banging body ... small waist big booty you know the works. We were sitting at a table listening to the band and drinking our cute little drinks in the pretty glasses..you know the ones... when two guys walked over both teachers. You could have knocked her over with a feather when it was my named and number they asked for, sista girls night was ruined. She just knew that it was her they wanted to talk to after all I am "Fat". I still laugh when I think about it. I promised she said about two sentences to me the rest of the night, and those two were to shoot the dudes down. People have so many hang ups and they always like to act like it's you who have the issue.

more to come on my life as a Beautiful Fat Girl :)
plus sized model - http://www.definatalie.com/2009/06/11/etsy-plus-size-fashion-designer-jibrionline/
There's no activity I love more then shopping unless it's shopping with someone else money :). So when my aunt asked did I want to go to a few stores on Saturday afternoon I was more then ready to go after all the worst that could happen is that I wouldn't find any thing that I really liked in which case I could always find a cute bracelet or even better a hot bag which is a purse that is so gorgeous that you have to leave the store with it.
Shopping can really be an ordeal when you're overweight. Even when things are the right size there's always a chance that its just not the right outfit for your body type. Just b/c its fits doesn't mean you should buy. I always like to look my best. I think its important as a fat person that you do. There are just so many wrong perception out there about us.
This shopping trip has let me a little depressed not only did I not find a outfit that worked I didn't even fine a cute bag. : ( ooh to be skinny.