I think that I... Love you. I'm not sure when it happened I only know that it has. and I want you. Can see all my tomorrows at your side and ever smile shared with you. I sometimes spend hours thinking of you. That first time that I head you. My ears found you before my eyes ever saw you. Your voice calling out to me across the crowed room. It was as if you were standing beside me, talking only to me. And then as I was trying to put a face with that beautiful voice you laughed and I know at that second I wanted all your laughs to belong to me. I'm not sure what I expected you to look like but I was far from being disappointed. Man.... I think....I think I love you. I wasn't ready for this and at the same time more then ready for you. I've been looking for what has seemed like forever for ... well ....for.... you. So unperfect in every way yet so perfect for me. So happy that I have found you...so happy to have you....so happy...

It's not going to work

I wonder... do you really see me. When you look at ME is it really me you see or are you only seeing what you wish to? Do you even care to see the real me? Do I matter to you? These questions keep flying though my head day in and out ..it's all I can think of. Do you know me? ......You can't. You say you love me and yet I know that it's not possible for you to. You have no idea what lies beneath this wall that I keep up. No idea whats hiding behind my eyes. And frankly I'm not willing to show you. See I don't love you either. Unlike you I know that I don't know you, I can see that there is something dark in you larking beneath the surface, behind your smiles and your laughs. I don't know the real you but I do understand secrets. And you sir have secrets. The softness that you you put in your voice when you are talking to others may fool them but it's not fooling me. I see the you that you keep a tight leash on. See the shadows in your glaze. No.... I don't love you and I know right now that I never will.

Move on

The rain stooped today and the sun came out bright and free the clouds moved out of the way and a rainbow appeared as if just for me. I no longer cry at the sound of your name or become dazed when I think of you The time of our love is now over and I feel that I can move on without you So I'll remove all the old pictures of us together Out the house and out of my mind And I'll stop wondering why you chose her over me For today is a new day and its time to move on.

a drive

Went to the country today just for a visit. We only got out the car for a minuet. We mostly just drove around and looked. For my grandmother it was a chance to see the place were her parents lived, cried, loved and was laid to rest. A place that she long remembered. For my aunt it was the beginning. The start of her life, her first school, her first home. And me well for me it was a place that held history and life. I don't know what I expected but in no way was it the knowledge I received. The land is so beautiful there, trees that reached the sky and the prettiest green grass as far as the eye can see and every few miles a lake that spoke of peace and serenity. My grandmother use to live on a piece of that land. A long time ago but yet not that long at all. It belonged to her parents and it was the land that she was raised on, the place she spent her childhood. It was the first time that I had seen this land that had at one time been owned by my family. The first time that I had seen where she and her siblings were raised. Looking at the simple beauty of the land I couldn't understand why this wasn't a place that we still could come to and relax. But then she told me. like most black families in the south at that time who were somewhat of a success they constantly faced racism. The land was taken from her family by white southerns. Although her father had completely paid for the land after his death the land was taken away. The story is sad but no more then any other normal southern black family of that time.


I never believed that you could really be lonely in a crowd, but here I am
surrounded by many and yet so alone. Missing what life use to be and trying to find my happiness. Searching it seems in all the wrong places. It's always dark, where is the light? Sometimes I reach out for it only to have it shimmer into nothingness...I'm not weak I am strong but as days pass without change I find my strength receding.. always less then the day before. I'm not one of the many who can't hope for the best, but as days turn into weeks and weeks into months and everyday seems the same I loose a little more. I don't know the last time I smiled a real smile, don't know the last time I didn't hide behind fake words and untrue laughs. I can't seem to escape this darkness. Each day I try and each night I find that it has only become darker, this hole void of brightness deeper. I'm screaming for help on the inside but so much of me won't allow those screams to become anything more then just whispers only I can hear. I'm not sure if I know how to take down these shields remove this mask. It's been so much apart of me these last few years that it's becoming .....me. I'm sick of this, need more then this. I..... need .....light.


So I thought of you today. Memories of you made me smile today. And I know that it will never be like it use to be can never be like it use to be but today I missed you . Remember that time that we played the day away dancing to our own music...your arms around me holding me your eyes shining bright with love for me. I remember and I miss that.


I wish I knew you. Tall chocolate skin and pretty white smile, a huge loud laugh and dark shiny eyes, I wish you knew me. Sometimes I see you and I know that you're all I want in a man. My future I can see with you. Every morning I want to wake up in your arms, see your face... and smile. I want to know that you love me. I promise that you'll love me. I'm everything that you want I know it and if their are some things that can be changed... we'll work on it but I know that you'll love me just for me you won't care about some of the things that I stand in the mirror antagonising over for hours in fact it will be those things that you love most about me. I'm not saying that loving me will be easy because I'm sure that it wont be. I'll make you work for my love but once you have it, my love will be yours forever. And I'm not saying that you will never get mad at me because I'm sure you will but I promise that the make ups will be worth the arguments. I promise that their is nothing we can't work out and that at the end of everyday you will be glad that you made me your wife. I will be your everything and you will be mine ... except for those times when I need my space (which is often) and those times yo need your (which I hope is often) I won't premise that we'll never fight about stupid things because we will but I will promise that we will laugh about it latter, I am the Lady that you need, the one who you can love and you are the man for me ... believe me. I wish I knew you, tall chocolate skin and pretty white smile, a huge loud laugh and shiny dark eyes I wish I knew you. Sometimes I see you and I know that you're all I want in a man but then I wake up before I can clearly see your profile ... I wish I knew you

picture from photobucket

miss you

so.....I miss you today...Dreamed of you last night and it was almost like you were still here. I could see the reddish brown color of your skin and your big smile that use to light up your whole face. And in this dream I could see your white head of hair.... it was a dream about the good times before the cancer and the kemo. We were in the car going... :), I don't no where.. Probably you just taking me to shop for a book or something that I wanted.... because that was so like you. ... We were together just you and me on a pretty spring day riding down the street in that old blue car that you loved so much. Just you and me. I could almost here your laugh, so loud and free so... you, hear you saying my name again. I woke up before the end of the dream and for about an hour I just laid their in bed with my eyes close hoping for another view of you....Man I miss you today so close to spring.. miss seeing you sitting outside in the yard, playing with some ole' wondering dog looking for a home, miss you dancing the jig and telling me stories about your childhood...I really just........miss you