I always miss you more in the fall...pretty days make me think of you

Just me ... marriage

so I was having a conversation with hmmm what to call him.... Well a guy who I have known for a few years now. I asked him how he's been and you know all the other stuff you ask someone when you haven't talked in a while. Last time we talked he had just gotten engaged and was moving towards marriage. Well hes now in another relationship and it's almost a year old...yeah its been a min since I talked to him. Some time ago I decided to stop talking to dudes who were in relationships.. I mean really whats the point of it ... I can have friendship with my girls. I don't really need that with a guy who's not mine. So along with a few others he was cut. I changed my number and just let them all go. At that time my married ex was calling me, another ex who I was frankly sick of, at least two other dudes who were in relationships, and  this guy  None of them could be the one for me so  one day I  had enough and said a silent good-bye and that was it. So we talked again tonight and we chatted a bit...I always did like his conversation...  We talked about relationships and if he was ready to pop the question again. He's not.
At 27 years old I just really don't see myself being involved with a man for longer then a year without him asking for forever. When is it too long to simply be 'in' a relationship? Is it wrong to expect more after a certain period of time? Personally I don't think so. I think that too many black women are 'in' relationships instead of being married.


I feel heavy weighed down by ..what I don't know but I need... to release
remove this weight from my chest this chip off my shoulder and just let go..
pour it all out onto a sheet of paper
fill a notebook up with ink
I need... I need...... to.... write
make my words cry so that my eyes don't have to
empty my heart of misery so happiness can take it's place
I need to just feel something different
then what I feel right now.
I need to ... feel..free
Let go of things ... people that don't matter to me
just unleash
My mind is racing...stressing
can't take this
looking all around for my pen
I need ... I need my pen
got to get this out
My frustration seems boundless
and if I don't write it in a verse
I'ma let go on her face
why is she talking
Ooooh I need to write
I feel confused, angry, sad
and I can't seem to make any of it go away
I just need ... to put it all on paper
I always feel better after I write
I feel better after I write
after it's all down the world feels right
I have to surrender myself to words
submit to the verse
I need to..write

can I read to you

Some ladies dance a dance of temptation
rapped in silk that flows as they slowly move to a beat only their lover can hear
Some women sing songs by Luther
In a pretty bird like voice as their significant others listens
and some simply use their eyes to hypnotize
their bodies to mesmerize
But I want to read to you
speak this poem slowly ... softly to you
Use my voice to seduce you
My words will enchant you
warming your body and speeding your pulse
Send out an invitation just for you
Some women giggle in charming ways
others pose in model stances
Some use the whiteness of their smiles
all just to draw him closer
But I want to read to you
Captivate you with the intelligence of my words
Excite you with the visions they bring to mind
you and me not just bodies combined but minds intertwined
I want to read to you
Can I.... read to you
speak this verse and fascinate you
make a rhyme that will entice you
My composition so unique that it touches you
Some women play coy
bat their eyes and blush
But me... *smile*
I just want to read to you

Luther Vandross - Any love


I laughed today
thought about you and felt joy in my heart
got up early watched the sun rise
walked on the dew wet grass and picked a flower all while thinking of you

I remember the roughness of you hand
the loudness of your laugh
I remember you

cried tonight for you
it's amazing how nothing else hurts as much as the loss of you
how even as months turn into years I still miss you everyday just the same
and no matter how many tears fall there are still more yet to fall

I remember the sparkle in your eyes
the rumble of your voice
I... often think of you.


not in the mood for your conversation
I have nothing to say to you
don't want to see you
hate that I'm thinking of you...writing this for you
I want to cuss you out ..*beep* beep* beep* you
point my finger in ya face get ghetto
for then maybe you'll see
only that's not me
so instead I'll take some space just for me
take a time out away from you


I don't know how I got to this point ..
but I'm not sure if I even like you
know that I love you after all this friendship has been going on for years
but do I like you?
I hate how you lie by omitting things
and I hate that so much about you is in shadow
I hate how you think you're nice when in fact you're anything but
I hate how inconsiderate you are and how you never seem to be willing to simply offer to help
not sure when this happened but maybe it's always held true
maybe circumstances pushed us together
maybe it wasn't simply me and you
I hate that sometimes you seem so fake
so uncaring so not a friend
I hate that I still want to be there for you
make you smile when you're sad
be your support when you're in need
you know the way it always seem to be
me there for you ... you sometimes there for me
I hate that you're so in tuned with my life
and yet I'm standing on the outside of yours
don't know how much longer I can just be here
Cause see I'm not sure if I even like you anymore


So I like him
not sure if this is simply attraction or something more
not sure if it will last or end before it even starts
but I'm willing
willing to take his hand and follow where ever he leads

as long as where he leads is where I'm willing to follow
if he understands my need for friendship without sex
my need for honesty even when the truth hurts
and my need for trust because if  I'm with him that is truly where I want to be

So I like him
the way he smiles at me when our eyes meet
the way my skin flushes red when he holds my hand
the way I feel like a preteen when hes near..
that first crush that made me giggle and stare

but wait
Lets not get carried away
I like him but this could be over tomorrow
not sure how he feels if this is real
but I'm willing to open my mind to the possibility
of... maybe


I'm sitting here..need to be studying... thinking about my life. I'm 27...it's just crazy how time flies. in less then 3 years I'll be 30. This is so not where where I saw my life being 10 years back. At 17 the world seem so different ..so new. lol But anyway this is not a sad down and out blog. it's just some thoughts. I look at older people around me and I always wonder how they got to the point that they are at now. My mom is 53 years old in all of my 27 years I haven't seen her do much of anything ... travel nowhere. How do you get to that place where hope ends and life simply begins. And yeah I know this is not how it is for everyone but I know so many people who just seem to be living life unhappy. my goal is to be happy no matter where I am .. who I'm with or what I'm doing. I want to be more then content with my life . I want to live. I want to laugh. I want to love. I don't want to ever be in a place in my life where my regrets are bigger then my accomplishment, more regrets then the moments that have made me happy. I don't want my life to just simply get away from me.
I feel like I need a new chapter another page in this story of life
Anyway ... I feel like I need something new right now. I don't know a new place.. new friend ... just something new.. I have no plans on leaving the old behind but...I ... just... need....Something.