Natural...simple? ..I don't think so

ok people so I'm still on this natural hair journey. Some days I love it and others I come close to hating it. When I first got this cut unlike alot of my friends I didn't transition at all. I shaved down my sides and the back and let the top be... I have some growth and it's all good but I love different styles and I just really can't do that now. I mean I can wig it some but unlike in my younger days I hate weave. It's just really not my thang. In my personal opinion black woman are to fat and to fake (weave) now don't be offended ppl. I'm a black woman and I love being me but it is what it is and in my neck of the woods this statement just happens to be true ...maybe where you at its a different story... and yeah I know white women were just as much fake hair as we do ...but anyway all thats for a different day. Today I just want to know why people make going natural so hard... I thought this would all be so simple but its not. There are certain products you're not to use and some that you just have to. This is a lil crazy to me. I didn't do the natural thing so that I could " be less white" or " more black" hunni this is as black as it gets perm or no perm lol... I mean people kinda go crazy when they get on this train. Everyday I tell myself that I will watch no more youtube vids about what to put on natural hair and everyday at a free moment I find myself watching... THIS is 'pose to be simple.... guess what?.... its not. With my light skin and light brown eyes and my always pretty premed locks you would think that my natural state would be all Joan like (Girlfriends) hunni it is so sooooo not lol . Not that I don't sometimes love it but hunni some days it kills me. Lately I been thinking of getting a TWA (lil fro) but the thought of rocking it with no big hoops in my ears scares me more then a lil bit... and I can't ware them at work. So I'm at a cross roads.... oh well I said that I would do this for at least a year and see what happens so I'm committed..unless I wake up one morning and say to hell with it lol ...anyway I need to go wash my hair, deep condition and hot oil it .......


ok bloggers so ...I basically completely stopped walking once I started working to be honest with you I planed on starting back once I got used to standing on my feet for 9hrs....well 8hrs ... again but as I wrote I got sick so..... here I am
Good News: I lost 30lbs in the hospital and since being out I have lost 2 more. I so hope that I can keep this off and get some more off. I'm working on it ppl we'll see what happens. I need to refuse to fail and just do the thang.
Do I want to be smaller... oh hunni yes. Not a 6 but most certainly closer to a 16... lol ... Now if I was going to be all ....umm " be you, be happy" I would tell you that this is all about health ..but bloggers I'm so not going to do that to you... I want to be even more fine then I am now lol I mean "who is she...can I have some of that" when I walk by fine. lol not that I don't get some of that now but more would be nice ...lmbo...I'm stupid yall. But it's true. Now it is in some ways about health ...I'm 27 and I just don't want to be this fat and middle-aged ...I don't...
OK ....
Bad News: I'm back home and I can almost feel myself wanting to go back to staying up late and eating something bad for me
I can't wait to go back to work... I'm still having pain ...I'm hopping this is all the way over in a weeks time... pray for me ppl...
My plan is to eat less... write it all down so I will know what I'm eating (ever talk to a fat person who always say they "don't eat that much"..... you do hunni lol) I also plan to eat less sugar and fried know the good stuff lol ...and I vow to start back walking
I need to get my life in order ppl ....

I Love You Just Because - Anita Baker


and you pull me back in
every time I get away
there you go
saying those sweet things like you often do
making me forget your assholeish ways
your arrogant ways
and ... I ....remember

and here it comes
the tingles I used to feel
the catching of my breath
and the nervousness
just ...before
wanting you
even though I shouldn't
I know I shouldn't
and yet I do

and then you smile
and I know
that I never stopped
couldn't have stopped
because it wouldn't happen this quickly
just like the first time

I saw you
you saw me
we ... became

should be done
want to be done
but.... you
..... make me
make me forget
just how bad it can  get
make me remember your kiss

and I'm back
with you
you pulled me in
never asked you to love me
didn't ask you to want me or miss me when I went away
didn't ask you for anything

I didn't want to love you
didn't want my hart to skip or pause when you came around
I didn't want to want you
and yet I do

Should have asked you to love me


Out of the hospital bloggers...OUT ... so happy about that lil bit. I was just there sooo freaking
Now I'm just ready to get back to my life... working and Unfortunately I'm still not feeling up to par. I'm of course on some medication for the next week or so ... I'm so ready for this to all be over. Good News?.... while in the hospital I lost 30lbs ... I know big WOW but then again I ate NOTHING all.. I was just to sick. but you can so see it everywhere. I was making a joke with one of my besties about my job thinking I had the lap-band instead of an appendectomy. This has been quite an experience bloggers...I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. ..


it's been a while bloggers I know but  let me explain... I have been simply sick for almost a month now. On the 26th of last month I went to the hospital because I was having really bad abdominal pain.. very bad.. So from the dates of the 26th- the 31st I was in the hospital in my hometown. On the day they released me I was still in pain and also having fevers, so a day later my aunt came to get me and brought me to her city. There I could get another opinion. Turns out my appendix  had ruptured..could have died bloggers...But wait did I 4get to mention that my aunt and grandmother both asked the previous doctor if that was the issue and he said no... yeah thats right in his professional opinion there was no problem with my appendix. But anyway...had the surgery...was in the hospital that time another six days, came home and whatya know a few days later I developed an infection so back to the hospital I went. This is again my 6th day ..7th night.... this has been a long ..loooonnng journey but I think I'm finally improving. By the way spent my B-day here all that crazy stuff I was sayin bout wanting my friend to do something for me and I was sick ...she had to work and still came all the way out to see me....

Over it

ok bloggers not so mad at her today... still pissed about the b-day thing, but I realize that I should have said something. In fact there are a lot of times in my life when I should say something and stop being so afraid that those close to me will walk away... After all love is proved by actions and if they are there for me then I will know and theres no point in them even being apart of my life if they don't care. ... Another reason I'm letting go is b/c I do love my friend and I know she loves me. I don't think shes out to hurt me or anything like that. I just think that in a lot of ways her personality  is like mine. It takes a lot for my bestie to really talk to someone about the really important things and I know this... she is also very closed mouthed if anything more so then I am. She go though the same family drama I do (like most ppl) if not more and I think that when you come from that setting it makes it really hard to open up to someone and place your heart in their hands.
And like I said if I don't say anything how are you to know that your words or actions have hurt me?
I think that like me she keeps a lot of things close and since we're both like that it makes it really hard to be friends. But we have been doing it for years so something is going right.  I love her, shes there when I call and sometimes b4 I do, she makes me laugh though my tears...... shes my friend


I have been mad at my best-friend for ummm about two weeks now... a better word would be pissed.
Ok bloggers if you don't know by now I have my days and my ways... I can really be a witch well make that a capitol B ... but I'm also very considerate of other people feelings and if I'm down with you then if I got it and you need it then its yours. I always try to be the bestest friend that I can be especially since I did something really wack to a friend when I was 17...but that's for another blogg
Back to this one
Well people my b-day is on the 17th ...27 here I am...  but wait b4 I get to it...
My bestie and I have been friends for about 10 years now but it wasn't until college that we became really close.  She has been there for me though some very difficult times in my life: boyfriend issues, broken hearts, family problems, and most important it was her shoulder I cried on when I loss my brother and my uncle. So we have some major things behind us.
This is not the first time I have been pissed at her but since she sometimes tune in to the blogg this will be the first time she knows.
Birthdays have never been very big in my family, the only persons in my family who ever bought me a gift or have given my something for my day is the brother and uncle that I have lost... I so miss them bloggers. I started getting gifts from friends at about ....15 ..(thx E)... for the next few years the only person I got a gift from was one of my exs ... and hunni that didn't last long...  after that ended I didn't get a gift for years....until I met Isadora Moore... and for the past 6...7 years I have gotten a gifts from her. I think the bestie and I have been doing the gift thing for about  4....5 years. I love birthdays bloggers..problem no one else seems to lol.
Ok so why am I pissed?
bout 2weeks ago I asked my friend about my b-day..
"Hey C are we doing something for my day?" I asked
Her answer
"Well it'll have to be like a week later."
I was beyond pissed. I'm always down for her day. request off from work .. call in even.. (and no I'm no asking that she jeopardize her job) BUT we can't do something for my day til a week later ...*if then b/c she kinda paused and said it as if she couldn't do it.
My aunt likes to say I'm an introvert ...whatevers going on with me I keep to self.. and once I'm good then we can talk again.
To take a minute to be honest..I don't trust people with how I really feel about almost nothing, the people in my life either disregard it, don't listen or get angry...and yeah that's everybody.
Well bloggers maybe you're thinking its just this one time right?
Hell it isn't... last year we did nothing at all she was "tired" she dropped off my gift and that was the end
Year before that it was the same, I went out with a dude I was dating..ummm before that we went to 'her' friends house and did shit..... you see how this is going...
I can't remember a time when we did what I wanted to do on my damn birthday  if ever. In fact very little that we do is what I want... and yet I'm the bossy one in this that work...  lol
This is my fault I should be more assertive less close mouthed I know ... And I don't want nor need a pity party about this ish but I do need to write about it.
I love my friend but I'm beginning to question this .... she called me today we talked shortly ...I forgot I was mad with her and almost called her twice
  I don't know bloggers I'm feeling hurt right now not just by her but by some family too but especially by her. In my opinion a friend should be your safe place, closer to you then even family because yall made a choice to be friends .... right now I don't feel like that's her. Maybe shes pissed at me for something I don't know but this is ....


you're a liar

no truth to be found in the things you say

no matter how simple the words

no matter if theres no reason why

you still.... lie

been doing it for years

you can't seem to stop

the truth to me seems to be easy

but for you its to hard

so you make it up as you go

destroying lives as you speak

I can't trust because of you

fight to believe in others everyday because of

tell the truth ... always... because of you

because although the truth sometimes hurt

people can still keep faith in me

so that they won't feel about me

the way I feel about you.
I have decided to distance myself from a lot of people in my life ... emotionally and in a physical sense. wish i could say all but i can't....