Showing posts with label Just Me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Just Me. Show all posts
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'There'



                      It's funny how 2 years become 5 years and 5 years become 10.

10 years ago I was 23 and I just knew that there was         something out there that was MORE. 2 years later I was still convinced that this MORE was real and 5 years after that I think I was just at a stand still. At 33 I'm once again searching for my MORE. More love, more confidence, more happy, more
                                                          ME.

 And I'm excited because I realize now more than ever that I am responsible for my MORE. It seems crazy to say that because we are always responsible for our life, our happy and whatever state of being that we wish to receive, unfortunately we don't all see that at 7 or 14 or even 21 so we continue to wait for this BIG thing to happen to us that only we can make happen for ourselves.
So here I am 33, making plans to return to school to have more, be more and achieve more because I know that I'm worth it and smart enough to obtain it. So here I am at 33 and I'm ok with who I am and even though I'm not Dr. Adams or Ms. CEO or simply Mrs. I am a person who realizes that you only get one life and that my choices are mine, my happiness is mine and so what if I'm not completely 'there' yet ...it's a process and I'm more than willing to smile on my way to wherever 'there' is.

Pamieka La Joy Adams 
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....No one knows a fool until he speaks

I really need to be more careful with how I say things. My tone can be awful. I promise that it's not always intentional, but hunni do some stuff come out ugly. I've got to fix that. Sometimes I get so caught up in what I'm saying that I forget How I'm saying things.
I didn't make any resolutions this year but this year I want be more conscious of how I treat people. I think that I am a nice person but sometimes I become so consumed with weather someone is attempting to hurt me in some way that I end up lashing out defensively and even if they are wrong in what they say or do I want to walk away not feeling like I need to apologize.
Mieka No comment yet

Just Me .....Repost from '09


It's crazy how people have so many issues with themselves that they push them off on you. I'm a big girl, a fat girl and to be real I always have been. I'm not going to lie and say that over the years that I haven't ever felt sad or depressed about my weight that would be stupid. I know people...well women... who weigh half of what I do and have issues with their weight so there is no way that I'm going to say that every day I feel perfect just the way I am, I don't. But I do love myself and I have so many more good days then bad, if you were to ask a member of my family or a close friend of mine they will no doubt tell you that I think the world of me, fat and all. :)

Growing up fat wasn't easy at home and certainly not at school. I'm one of five and three of my siblings are male and older than me so some days home was worse than school. And I didn't even mention my crazy uncle who till this day still calls me Cushy (as in cushion) and makes jokes every time I see him. No it was not easy being a fat little girl at all, but I did it. It was a part of who I was and as hard as it was I'm grateful for the tears just as much as I am for the smiles because it made me.... me.

By the time I started school I was more than a little used to being teased with brothers who were three, four, and five years older than me (and my crazy uncle) I had just about heard every insult an overweight child could hear so I was ready for school. I was a very quiet child in fact most of my friends now wouldn't even believe it if they could see me then. Today I'm more than a little confident with the woman that I am, but that doesn't mean that I can't remember when I wasn't confident. I've always been a private person; I've never really allowed people to see my feelings hurt no matter what. I still remember crying silent tears in my pillow as a child, not talking to my mom or much of anyone about anything that may have bothered me. To this day I still remember the hurt I felt when my youngest brother insulted my appearance in my favorite dress. I loved that dress it was pink and so pretty to me, but after that day I never wore it again. I hid it in the bottom of a closet and didn't see it again until I was well into my teens. From five till ten I silently listened to all the insults and then one day I decided that I wasn't going to anymore. I don't know what made that day different from all the others but it was and it changed me. I was sitting in class listening to the endless laughs and jokes and then suddenly I was defending myself. I had always defended myself with my brothers but for the most part I didn't have to, the second my grandmother saw tears in my eyes she would make them pay for whatever it was that they had done or said. School was different I never spoke up for myself and bullies always seemed to be aware when the teachers were out of earshot. But that day was different I was tired of it. That day Pamieka who never had a thing to say, Pamieka who always had an A in conduct got in a fight. That day was the first time that I had ever really defended myself to anyone other than my brothers. And that day was the beginning of my confidence. I got in another fight a year later with the same boy but I never had a problem with anyone else at that school. At home my brother still laughed and made jokes, they were still boys but I no longer simply took what they dished out. One day while looking in the mirror I decided that I wasn't just fat I was more. Every day after that for at least the next two years I would look in the mirror and say " I'm gorgeous" and every time my brothers would call me fat I would add to the end " and gorgeous" Till this day I don't know what happened to make me start to do that or to speak out.

By the time I reached high school my confidence had grown so much that I was no longer simply saying "I'm gorgeous" I had started believing it. And I had no problem letting people know just how much I thought of myself. You could see it in my walk, hear it in my voice, and see it in my style. I was fat yes but I was also beautiful, and I was not at all the sort of person who just sat by and took insults. It simply wasn't me anymore.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen (my grandmother wasn't having none of that), but to be honest I didn't really need the restriction. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was fifteen... about three weeks before I turned sixteen. That 'relationship' lasted about 10 seconds. I didn't have another one until about a year and a half later. That relationship turned out to be so much more than the one before. That relationship showed me the ups and downs of love.

I have only been in love that one time, and regardless of the drama, the tears, and the heartbreak I was lucky in love. I wasn't involved in a relationship with someone who tore me down. Instead I fell in love with someone who was not simply a friend but a best friend. Someone who never let a day go by without telling me how pretty he thought I was and wasn't ashamed to tell me in front of whoever was present. He didn't take away from my confidence he added to it. It still makes me smile when I think of all the times he pulled me into his arms to dance and sing "Pretty Brown Eyes" in his less then nice singing voice while his friends looked on. That relationship ended with a lot of tears but it set a standard for me. It helped me to realize what it was that I wanted in a relationship... and what I didn't want. :) It helped me to expect flowers just because, compliments and friendship in my relationships. It helped me to only accept the best for me.

I've had a few relationships since then but love has yet to find me again. I know what I want and that's what I will have (it is soooo many crazies out here I just want the one for me ...who's SANE). People still have a tendency to be surprised when I step into the room with a handsome man who has a career, it's crazy. My aunt can't seem to get over the fact that every time we hang out some dude asks for my number, it's always funny to watch her. People really do act like fat and ugly is the same word. I went out with a friend who really has a banging body ... small waist big booty you know the works. We were sitting at a table listening to the band and drinking our cute little drinks in the pretty glasses..you know the ones... when two guys walked over both teachers. You could have knocked her over with a feather when it was my name and number they asked for, sista girl’s night was ruined. She just knew that it was her they wanted to talk to after all I am "Fat". I still laugh when I think about it. I promised she said about two sentences to me the rest of the night, and those two were to shoot the dudes down. People have so many hang ups and they always like to act like it's you who have the issue.


who says I can't ? 
Beautiful Fat Girl

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12/12/16


                                 
  I haven't seriously considered writing in this blog in a really long time, but I am really rethinking it. I never wrote in this blog, or any other, because I wanted readers.. although they are nice lol. I wrote because it was an outlet, a way for me to release some stress and I have always been better (despite my spelling) at writing things, feelings, emotions down, and frankly because I'm good at expressing myself this way. It doesn't always come out the way I want it to, but at the least it's out there. So I am so about to restart doing this. In the IG, SC, FB world (all of which I have) it's not likely to be read BUT .. Oh Well.
 

This blog was brought to my attention by some negativity but this blog was never negative it was always about...Just Me. Just Mieka, my life, my thoughts, ... ME. So please allow me reintroduce myself.

....
Mieka

Happy


I have always believed that happiness was a choice that we all must make for ourselves. You can't dwell on the past or the actions of others and still maintain your happy. You also can't spend large portions of your time focused on other people and how they live their lives and claim to be 'Happy'. I believe strongly in living your own life and minding your own business. It is difficult to have your own life if you always find yourself embedded in someone else's.

I believe in being happy, in working to find my own happy place everyday regardless of what's happening in another person's life, home, or work, and regardless of what someone think, or say about me. I determine my happiness not anyone's words or feelings.  Some people become so caught up in other's lives that they can't live their own. They become so driven to gossip or find out about your life that they don't realize how telling their actions are. Happy people, Content people... or even Confident people don't live this way. 

I am so fortunate that I'm not the kind of person who is worried about the Joneses and what they are doing or saying. I am so elated that I understand that my life is mine alone and that I'm not the kind of person who concerns myself with what someone else does or may do.

I am blessed that I am content in a way that doesn't prevent me from wanting, and dreaming of more.

And most of all I am Happy that I am not the kind of person who feels a need to belittle those around them to make myself feel accomplished.

 
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Next Page...




I'm a shoot first think later kind of person ... I so have to think about this.. Every single action doesn't deserve a reaction, but I promise I have a issue with addressing things the correct way. I will never be the kind of person who lashes out at people for no reason but I also am not the type of person who can let a insult to my character go... even if the person making the insult knows very little about me. GOSH!!! I so have to work on that. Everything people say .... Nothing people say, should matter when it's not the truth.. or at least that's what they say BUT people it is so hard to fight a lie when it gets out there and when you work daily to become simply who you are ... Who is anyone else to come along and attempt to break that down or take that away? Reason and age tells me that all to often people who make slap judgments or outright lie on other people have some serious issues but at what point do you step in and say F...umm Freak you? 
lololol.. anyway just a post to replace the last post   


Still Me....







                                        
Pamieka LaJoy Adams



Mieka No comment yet

UpDate -5/9/14



Has it really been over a year.. two, since I wrote anything here? Gosh!! Sooo hello blog.. I'm still me. Still fat in fact more fat but whatever. I know that I need to make major life changes to change that. I'm almost not single. yeah blog world almost. I have been dating someone for the past month and a half and I am crazy feeling him. He's nice. He makes me laugh, and we talk for hours. I like being in his company. So what's the issue? well ummmm lol. He's 22... I'm 30. I'm at a point where I'm kinda ok with it, he being 8 years younger but it takes some getting used to and I'm sure we will face a bit of opposition from family. We shall see where this leads bolggers.


fast forward .... He was SUPER CRAZY lololololol

 
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Just Me

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10 years

What were your dreams in high school? What are they now? I recently went to my 10 year HS reunion, and let me tell you bloggers life today is not at all what I thought it would be 10 years ago. I guess I had dreams of just being ... different. A different size, a different career .... a different me. But high school was a long time ago and the real world is nothing like sitting in your room dreaming. The real world is full of valleys, mud-hills and every once in a while mountains. In other words there's always something or someone that you have to go under or around or even right though and often it's messy. Sometimes I'm sad that my life aren't those dreams that I dreamed through my HS years. That I'm not a famous writer (despite my spelling and other English errors) or that I haven't traveled to an exotic land. Adulthood has a way of killing dreams. It's so easy as a child to close your eyes and image the world as your oyster but than childhood ends and life happens. Illness, bills, jobs, death.... Life happens, and in the mist of it dreams get lost. But I realize that I still have today and if GOD is willing than I have tomorrow as well. So what are my plans for the next 10 years? I don't know exactly but I know that I want to be happy and I know that I don't want to be anything different than me.... just more me


Dreams

Hold fast to dreams
For if dreams die
Life is a broken-winged bird
That cannot fly.
Hold fast to dreams
For when dreams go
Life is a barren field
Frozen with snow.
Langston Hughes
Mieka No comment yet

Women


Women are .... funny. I'm the kind of woman, I always try to be the kind of woman, who is kind to other women. I'm not at all afraid to give another woman a compliment, in fact I like to. I realized a long time ago that regardless of how pretty someone else may be, or how slim she still have insecurities. I have known skinny girls who thought they were too skinny, fat girls who hated being fat, dark skinned who wanted to be light skinned, women with straight dark, and thin hair who wanted thicker hair or light hair or curly hair. I have known some of the prettiest women who believed that they were not as smart as others or as good as other people. I say this because.... Women are funny. Yes her hair may be beautiful, her skin lovely but you never know how she feels about herself. Instead of whispering in a corner be KIND. Tell her that her bag is fly, her shoes on point. A woman who is confident in herself can give other women compliments. Talking about someone else or being less than nice to them for no reason is a sign of jealousy and insecurity. 
Mieka No comment yet
A few years ago my grandma gave me some advice. I had messed up in school and lost my pell she said "Meka everybody makes mistakes, just don't keep making the same ones. Now stop crying and go back to that school and get your lesson." She paid for me to go to school the next semester, I still have no idea where my mama got the money, but she did and she put it in my hand and sent me back to school. Anyway bloggers I told that story because I don't understand why people keep doing the same ole' thang over and over again. The results of your actions were bad the first time why go back and not do it just once but again and again ...and again. I have some people who are really close to me who just won't stop stupid behavior. I just don't get it.
Mieka No comment yet

The F word

Fat.... wait did you think I was talking about another F word... lol (I'm so Lame). Anyway whats the big deal with the word fat. I am a person who use the word fat quite often.I will use it to refer to myself and yeah sometimes to refer to my friends, my family and the skinny dude across the room who has just demolished 2 large pizzas by his self with no freaking help ( skinny fat people make me sick).  I have friends who hate when I call myself fat, they actually cringe when I say the word as if they are in pain, and than they'll get this sad look on their face and say something like "you're not fat", or "Don't say that about yourself". After this they will go into all the good things that I have to offer and all the while I'm standing their trying to find a way to make them feel better about ME calling MYSELF fat.

I don't have as much a problem with the word fat as others seem to have, maybe because this have always been me, maybe because I know that I am more than simply that one word. I'm Black, Tall, and have a big head, too but I'm not offended by any of  that. Why should I allow just one word determine who I am. There is so much more to me than just what people see. I'm smart, funny, silly, kind hearted, friendly and so many other awesome things. I came to terms with who I am (and who I'm not) a long time ago. When I look at myself in the mirror I realize that I'm fat but I also see in myself things that are so much more than simply that one word.  Don't be afraid of the F word people after all their are far worse words in the English language.
Mieka No comment yet

"Girl when you gon' have some babies"

I HATE this question bloggers. I H-A-T-E it... and quit frankly I don't understand it. I'm 28 trrue, BUT I'm also UNMARRIED, still in school:( and I work. Please tell me when  I have the time to properly care for a child... not to mention that I'm broke. When people used to ask me this question (family, friends, ppl from school, strangers that I have never met EVER) I used to say 'When I get married.' Was this ever the wrong response. People quickly become offended when I say this....since most of them are single parents. They seem to feel like I am saying 'oooh you're bad' OR they think (most of the time) that I'm saying "I am so MUCH better than you." I don't feel this way at all, BUT try telling an offended person what YOUR statement means. So now I simply say one day or make a little joke, but this is my blog so I feel very free to say what I want... and what I want to say is 'STOP ASKING ME THAT CRAZY QUESTION!!' With no man in site that I am willing to commit my life to, WHY would I have a child. And in this you don't have to be married because he's always there either in memory or in presents because YOU have a child with him. I just really don't get it. A study done on people with children showed that over 50% of parents actually REGRET having their children. I'm sure that there are many reasons for this high number, maybe money and age that they conceived, but the study still shows that there are too many ppl just having kids without knowing what it will take to rise them. I don't want that to me and I DON'T want to be a single mother. I want the whole package. Now that doesn't mean that I think less of single moms/dads, my bestie is a single mom and I think she is super at it. She works full time, goes to school full time, pays for super high daycare and is a awesome parent to her daughter. I respect her. BUT being a single parent is not something I think you should TRY to become. I want it all for my babies ...if at all possible.
Studies also prove that children don't make people happier in fact many people become Less happy and that children with fathers are smarter, more successful, and have a better chance of building healthy relationships in their lifetime.
Mieka No comment yet

2012 Goal 1. Getting My Happy Back



So bloggers I haven't been my normally happy self lately. I don't know why or even when it happened I just know that right now I'm not .... me. I'm not sad or depressed or anything like that .... just not happy. I think a lot of it has to do with just being in a rut. I almost never go out lately and when I do it's with co workers or other people who I can't really just be myself around, (I miss my girls). Right now I wake up everyday go to work, go to class, and then it's home to bed. By the time the weekend roll around... which I mostly work on.... I just want to relax with a book ... in silence. no words no sound... just me and a novel. GOSH when did I become so freakin Lame.
Goal 1. this year is to get my happy back, smile more (and mean it) laugh more, and get rid of this lameness.
Mieka No comment yet

New laptop YAY!

And I am back in business. It's been a while since I blogged but I have so missed putting my thoughts down and simply writing about my day. Its a New Year yall and although 2011 was good I have hopes that 2012 will be awesome. I know that when a new year starts everyone is talking big about what they want and will do. My goal is to set realistic goals for my life. In my next blog I promise to get them down but right now it's 12 am and has been a long time since 7am. I am sleepy. (I have to work on my lameness this year.... Single, Young, Pretty and ...home. ... On a Sat.) Anyway I just had to come on and say something.

Mieka No comment yet

HI ...LONG TIME...and all that jazz



I haven't written in a while I know but between work and class I just don't really have the time to think much less blog. I have so missed just putting down my thoughts. So how am I? Well to be honest  the summer was horrible for me all the way around... car trouble... hair trouble... fashion trouble ... I don't know something about 100 degree heat and no air does that to me BUT fall is here and I for one LOVE the fall. So new car check... hair experiments... check... and I'm working on the fashion. I am ready for... EVERYTHING. Still fat yall ... I'm always honest about that. Am I disappointed in me yeah BUT everyday is a new day to get better ... thinking about printing up an old friends pics or at least looking at them often to convince myself that its possible....Joining weight watchers soon, wish me luck. I imagine that WW is like AA for fat ppl..." Hello my name is Pamieka and I'm a foodaholic"
Mieka No comment yet

Blog Award

I want to say thanks to lil miss Sauniya' for tagging me in this award and posting my link on her blog. Muah!


So the award comes with these rules:
1. Thank the person who tagged you and link their blog.
2. Put the Top 10 award logo on your blog.
3. List your top 10 cosmetics.
4. Choose 10 bloggers to tag, link their blogs and let them know

So although I love make-up I don't have a top 10 best. I just use a very small amount of stuff but here goes
I LOVE cover up it's the one thing in my make-up bag I can't live without

1. Black Opal flawless concealer for Ethnic Skin
2. A bronzer... I don't really have one that I think is better than any other I just have to have one that
    works for me
3. Cover girl eye shadow. I love a smoky eye with maybe a pink or pretty blue to blend it with... but I
    only do that for my night time face
4. Last but the very key for me is a pretty lip. It doesn't matter if its a nice cool mystic pink or a popping red
    or even a clear gloss I think your lips should always look ready for either a kiss or a photo
.... I also like to use pure Shea Butter before putting on make-up for dry skin and even make-up cover (not recommended for summer) it's also good w/o make-up or at night (not if you have problem skin or very oily skin
I know that I didn't really name any products but I don't have any that I just die for. As a girl on a budget I have learned that even though high end products are nice sometimes they aren't any better than the cheap stuff.

Shapely Louise

That good good blog

tha unpretentious narcissist

You don't like my Opinion thats fine

Beauty in rare form

creatively-soulful

Not 10 but ppl I look in on often... its been a while since I've had some blog time.
 Don't forget to check in on lil miss Sauniya'
Mieka 2 comments

Not another day

So turns out it wasn't just another day I really enjoyed my birthday bloggers thanks to some good friends and some awesome family members and a soon to be family member. It wasn't all out or party all night it was just dinner and some conversation. It was nice. So 28....lol All I feel is a little bit more rushed to get school done and meet this wonderful man and handle my weight issue that is very present.
I talked to an ex recently and we're going to start walking together, the only problem is that I am very ok with him remaining an ex while he.... not so much. We shall see what happens bloggers... time for work .. Have a good day.
Mieka No comment yet

Another day

So it's almost my birthday. I'm going to do a little thing with my friends on the date and the next weekend (since I couldn't get off this weekend) I'm going to New Orleans. Don't get me wrong bloggers I like N.O. and everything but to be honest I would rather spend my day at home with family, friends, some good food and a cake. Birthdays are not really my families thing we are a little wried that way... so my friends and I are going to go to a nice jazz club and than to a fun party.
So 28 bloggers and I know this is not New Years but I feel good about 28. For the first time in a while I have some real direction, I know where I want to go and I know (somewhat) how to get there. School is going really well and I'm enjoying knowing that I am doing really well and will soon be done. 

Enjoying your life is simply a matter of the way that you feel.   ... by IDK found it on the net and loved it
Mieka 1 comment

Hopeless Romantic



I chatted with a good friend over the weekend. We talked about relationships and love and I asked her if maybe I was waiting on this hero out of a romance novel.. she said "umm I think so!" lol But she also admitted to me that she wants all the things that I do. We agreed that we are both hopeless romantics. The problem with being a hopeless romantic is that their doesn't seem to be this grand upstanding, strong guy out there waiting just for you to walk into his life. So in the mean time, what bloggers? Do I date a few less than Mr. Right dudes... ? Well that's what I have been doing and let me tell you I just don't see the point of it all. And no I'm not saying that their are no good men out there, I just seem to have a hard time finding a good man that I can fall for. I know some good guys... have even dated a few in the past few years but it just didn't work for me. As I said in a previous blog I just want someone who I can ... I don't know yall .. forget time with.. laugh for hours with, talk to for days. The problem is that I have yet to meet a guy who I want to .. or can see myself being with forever. Crazy but soooo true.  Maybe I'm scared that I'm going to fall for one of these less than novel heroes and one day my Mr. Right off the cover of a romance will walk up and it'll be to late..ummmmm No!! lol... I just haven't met that guy who takes my breath away, and makes me smile for no reason at all.... Haven't met a man whose a hopeless romantic.



** by the way if you haven't read a Beverly Jenkins book check her out...try Vivid first! lovher
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