... tears

Some days are harder then others. Sometimes you can't laugh enough, smile enough. And then there are days when the tears won't stop, on those days you can't laugh to cover the cries, because they won't stay hidden. I've always been told that life wasn't easy, or fair for that matter, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it was hoping that it will be even though I know it doesn't work like that. I truly believe that on some days everyone no mater how big or strong need to let the tears fall. Let out the sadness to make room for happiness to enter. I have had a few of those days. Days when I didn't feel like talking to anyone much less smiling. Today happens to be that day for me.

People are always quick to inform you about life and it's hardships. About their bad choices and how not to make the the same mistakes they did but the hardest parts of life can't be told they are only felt. There is no way to explain the pain of your first heartbreak or the reason for the tears afterward. These are things that you have to experience to fully understand. No one can tell you how to deal with your hard times, only what worked best for them. But after the heartbreak, and the regrets you completely comprehend what they were trying to explain, but you had to first experience it for yourself. The same can be said about the death of a loved one.

I loss my brother a few years ago and shortly after he was gone so was my uncle. To those who have never experienced loss it may be hard to fully understand how I feel right now, because after all it wasn't yesterday even though on some days it feels like it was less then a hour ago, it's been years. I still remember my best friend telling me about when her aunt died (who was more like her mother) and how she would burst into tears at random moments. Four years later I still have days that my emotions overwhelm me. At twenty-one (for me) it's hard to imagine anything hurting worse then a broken heart. At that time there was nothing I could fathom that was worse then being rejected by a man that I thought was the love of my life. I was so very wrong. Heartbreak can not at all compare to large chunks of your heart being taken away.

On some days it's easy. Sometimes I can go for months without the tears... smiling when I remember a funny moment I shared with one of them. And on some days like today smiling just won't do, because I'm to sad, to angry about them not being here, and missing them more then I would sunlight. ....


I am so happy to be back in school, I feel .... like I'm finally on track. When I look around at all my friends and where life has taken them .... well to be honest I have been feeling a little left out. For the last three years my friends have been getting married, having babies, getting there degrees, moving to different states, and getting there own places, and yet here I am doing none of those things and feeling much like I did at eighteen...wanting to be out and about but feeling empty.... helpless. Only I'm not eighteen anymore, and eight years has passed since I was. I'm not the type of person who doesn't take responsibility for my own actions. I realize that in this life we all must make our own choices and our own way, I've just been so slow to make my dreams come true.

When I think back to when I first started college six years ago I remember being optimistic and so hopeful for what my tomorrows would bring. I don't regret a second of those first years....wait I guess if I could go back I would study more ..lol.. But as I told you in a previous blog I gained some wonderful friends.... and I had some fun times with them. But in the mist of all the good times there were some pretty bad ones too. Heartbreak, Death, Sickness, and depression...but that's all for another blog.

I really do feel like this is my time to do me, and believe me when I say I will be doing me. I feel relieved, happy, free, and so freaking scared that I sometimes have to stop and take a deep breath. lol I'm trying not to wait for something bad to happen but its so hard for me to just ..... live without fear. I almost feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. I pray daily for nothing to happen to my car... and as days pass I find myself worried about my grandma more and more. Some people might find that crazy but a few years ago I lost my brother without warning and right after that my uncle. I'm trying to just relax and go with the flow of things but to be honest I don't know the last time I just went with the flow. Right now everything is going really well for me I just really wish I could simply relax a little.

Just Me

It's crazy how people have so many issues with themselves that they push them off on you. I'm a big girl, a fat girl and to be real I always have been. I'm not going to lie and say that over the years that I haven't ever felt sad or depressed about my weight, that would be stupid. I know people...well women... who weigh half of what I do and have issues with there weight so there is no way that I'm going to say that everyday I feel perfect just the way I am, I don't. But I do love myself and I have so many more good days then bad, if you were to ask a member of my family or a close friend of mine they will no doubt tell you that I think the world of me, fat and all. :)

Growing up fat wasn't easy at home and certainly not at school. I'm one of five and three of my siblings are male and older then me so some days home was worse then school. And I didn't even mention my crazy uncle who till this day still calls me Cushy (as in cushion) and makes jokes every time I see him. No it was not easy being a fat little girl at all, but I I did it. It was apart of who I was and as hard as it was I'm grateful for the tears just as much as I am for the smiles because it made me.... me.

By the time I started school I was more then a little used to being teased with brothers who were three, four, and five years older then me (and my crazy uncle) I had just about heard every insult a overweight child could could hear so I was ready for school. I was a very quite child in fact most of my friends now wouldn't even believe it if they could see me then. Today I'm more then a little confident with the woman that I am, but that doesn't mean that I can't remember when I wasn't confident. I've always been a private person, I've never really allowed people to see my feelings hurt no matter what. I still remember crying silent tears in my pillow as a child, not talking to my mom or much of anyone about anything that may have bothered me. To this day I still remember the hurt I felt when my youngest brother insulted my appearance in my favorite dress. I loved that dress it was pink and so pretty to me, but after that day I never wore it again. I hid it in the bottom of a closet and didn't see it again until I was well into my teens. From five till ten I silently listened to all the insults and then one day I decided that I wasn't going to anymore. I don't know what made that day different from all the others but it was and it changed me. I was sitting in class listening to the endless laughs and jokes and then suddenly I was defending myself. I had always defended myself with my brothers but for the most part I didn't have to, the second my grandmother saw tears in my eyes she would make them pay for whatever it was that they had done or said. School was different I never spoke up for myself and bullies always seemed to be aware when the teachers were out of earshot. But that day was different I was tired of it. That day Pamieka who never had a thing to say, Pamieka who always had an A in conduct got in a fight. That day was the first time that I had ever really defended myself to anyone other then my brothers. And that day was the beginning of my confidence. I got in another fight a year later with the same boy but I never had a problem with anyone else at that school. At home my brother still laughed and made jokes, they were still boys but I no longer simply took what they dished out. One day while looking in the mirror I decided that I wasn't just fat I was more. Everyday after that for at least the next two years I would look in the mirror and say " I'm gorgeous" and every time my brothers would call be fat I would add to the end " and gorgeous" Till this day I don't know what happened to make me start to do that or to speak out.

By the time I reached high school my confidence had grown so much that I was no longer simply saying "I'm gorgeous" I had started believing it. And I had no problem letting people know just how much I thought of myself. You could see it in my walk, hear it in my voice, and see it in my style. I was fat yes but I was also beautiful,and I was not at all the sort of person who just sat by and took insults. It simply wasn't me anymore.

I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen (my grandmother wasn't haven't none of that), but to be honest I didn't really need the restriction. I didn't have a boyfriend until I was fifteen... about three weeks before I turned sixteen. That 'relationship' lasted about 10 seconds. I didn't have another one until about a year and a half later. That relationship turned out to be so much more then the one before. That relationship showed me the ups and downs of love.

I have only been in love that one time, and regardless of the drama, the tears, and the heartbreak I was lucky in love. I wasn't involved in a relationship with someone who tore me down. Instead I fell in love with someone who was not simply a friend but a best friend. Someone who never let a day go by without telling me how pretty he thought I was and wasn't ashamed to tell me in front of who ever was present. He didn't take away from my confidence he added to it. It still makes me smile when I think of all the times he pulled me into his arms to dance and sing "Pretty Brown Eyes" in his less then nice singing voice while his friends looked on. That relationship ended with a lot of tears but it set a standard for me. It helped me to realize what it was that I wanted in a relationship... and what I didn't want. :) It helped me to expect flowers just because, compliments and friendship in my relationships. It helped me to only accept the best for me.

I've had a few relationships since then but love has yet to find me again. I know what I want and that's what I will have (it is soooo many crazies out here I just want the one for me ...who's SANE). People still have a tendency to be surprised when I step into the room with a handsome man who has a career, it's crazy. My aunt can't seem to get over the fact that every time we hang out some dude asks for my number, it's always funny to watch her. People really do act like fat and ugly is the same word. I went out with a friend who really has a banging body ... small waist big booty you know the works. We were sitting at a table listening to the band and drinking our cute little drinks in the pretty glasses..you know the ones... when two guys walked over both teachers. You could have knocked her over with a feather when it was my named and number they asked for, sista girls night was ruined. She just knew that it was her they wanted to talk to after all I am "Fat". I still laugh when I think about it. I promised she said about two sentences to me the rest of the night, and those two were to shoot the dudes down. People have so many hang ups and they always like to act like it's you who have the issue.

more to come on my life as a Beautiful Fat Girl :)
plus sized model - http://www.definatalie.com/2009/06/11/etsy-plus-size-fashion-designer-jibrionline/
There's no activity I love more then shopping unless it's shopping with someone else money :). So when my aunt asked did I want to go to a few stores on Saturday afternoon I was more then ready to go after all the worst that could happen is that I wouldn't find any thing that I really liked in which case I could always find a cute bracelet or even better a hot bag which is a purse that is so gorgeous that you have to leave the store with it.
Shopping can really be an ordeal when you're overweight. Even when things are the right size there's always a chance that its just not the right outfit for your body type. Just b/c its fits doesn't mean you should buy. I always like to look my best. I think its important as a fat person that you do. There are just so many wrong perception out there about us.
This shopping trip has let me a little depressed not only did I not find a outfit that worked I didn't even fine a cute bag. : ( ooh to be skinny.

..On happiness

I think that often people...fat people have the belief that skinny means happy. They don't seem to realize that happy is a state of mind and not a state of size. There are fat people who spend their whole life thinking " if only I was smaller I would be happier". This is just simply not true. Happiness is something that comes from the inside. Their are hundreds...millions of people out there who are not fat and yet still unhappy. Happy is not having tons of money, the right house or car. Happy is not the number of friends you have or the outings you go on. Happiness is not being pretty. And happy is most certainly not ........ being .......... thin.
I like writing about being fat because... well I'm fat. Fat is not all I am it's just happen to be a factor in my appearance. But often when I meet people for the first time they come to conclusions about who I am before I even speak because of my size. People often treat people of a different race or culture different then they do their own race. The same can be said for fat people, only people often don't realize that they do it. People have a tendency to believe that fat people are weaker mentally then thin people or that they are lazy. These things are just not true. Everyone have their issues, just because you can see mine does not give you the right to judge me. I would never tell anyone that I have no plans to loose weight or that I don't want to loose weight. I would not be being honest if I said that. I'm in fact trying to loose right now lol, Seems like I'm always trying. But their is so much of me that is happy that I started off this life being just who I am fat and all.
I'm a pretty girl :) I'm not arrogant I'm just being honest. Growing up their was always someone saying "oooohhh she so pretty to be so fat". I can't really remember a time when someone would just said "she's pretty" without saying anything about my size. Sometimes it sounded as if they hated to even admit that I was pretty because of my size. I don't think that people realize that the complement no longer matters when something that can be viewed as an insult follows it. For my sister it was always " shes pretty to be so dark" no one would ever say the first without saying the last for either of us. That always made me feel really sorry for the dark skinned fat girls because I was sure that if my sister and I only got compliments that was followed by insults that they received no compliments at all. And even now I'm not sure which I would prefer, half compliments or none at all.
I learned early on not to base my happiness on what other people think about me ... after all I already spend too much time on my own negative thoughts about my weight and/or my other faults to really take into consideration all the insults others pitch my way. Unfortunately the same can not be said about my sister and a few close friends of mines. It seems that they are always overly concerned with everything that others have to say about them. One of my friends don't even know how to receive a compliment, after its given she spends what seems like hours trying to figure out if it was really sincere (which is very annoying). I try not to be that way. I realize that if you don't like you then you leave a lot of room for the rest of the world to walk all over you. It's almost impossible for others to love and accept you when they are constantly having to repeat themselves and prove they are sincere when you don't like yourself.

Life is what you make it, and happiness is a choice. Don't let other people make a choice about your life... you decide. I hope you choose to be happy it's not always easy BUT it is always a choice.

.....on friendship

OK ... wore the dress ...loved the dress. I had a lot of fun this weekend with my girls we were missing a few people but there is nothing more fun then just sitting back with old friends dishing....and we did a lot of dishing. After having a few drinks we probably told a few more secrets then we intended. lol. But it doesn't really matter because it was US and we are the type of friends that can share things without being afraid of it coming back to bite us. There is nothing like GOOD girlfriends, and I am blessed to have some of the best. I haven't always had good friends but I am so happy that I now have them.
I didn't have a really good friend until I was about ten maybe eleven years old. We stayed friends for about three years and then kinda just lost contact, with all the changes different schools new friends, we just grew apart. Somewhere in the middle of that friendship I became friends with this other girl, Ericka who went to the same school as I did. I don't know what pushed us together...well I guess we were both kinda on the outside. We were both quite and we both talked to everyone and yet wasn't friends with anyone. We sorta just clicked. We were really close in fact she was my first best friend. About a year after our friendship started we met a guy. dum de dum dum ...dummm. :) I'm still not sure to this day if we would have remained friends even if it wasn't for Q. We were friends from seventh grade until tenth grade, and I say tenth very lightly. As time went by the very thing that had pushed us together was a big part of us growing apart. I pretty much have always been me, and what I mean by that is that I have always been kind of a loner, I like my space. And although I used to long to be liked I never was willing to do some of the things it sometimes took to be liked. So I was still that quit girl standing on the outside talkin to everyone but not really friends with anyone. This changed for Ericka. High school put her in the center of everything and well I was still just ...me. and happy that way.
Q ended up being her boyfriend for about two years (eighth and ninth grade) and he and I ended up as best friends. By the middle of tenth grade the friendship Ericka and I had once shared was over. Once again different schools, and new friends kinda just helped the split in our friendship...not to mention Q. At that point I was still lacking female friends and this just made Q and I grow closer. A year and a half later my best friend became my boyfriend... as you can guess there was no going back to a friendship with Ericka at that point. lol. For the record that is not something that I would ever do again I don't know we could blame youth or we can just look at it as something that... happened. Whatever it was Q ended up being my first love and my first heartbreak, but that's another story.
In the eleventh grade I met my current bestie and I am so very blessed that I did. Candace have been there for me though so many hard times in my life that I really don't know how I made it to sixteen without her. We have lost loved ones, been sick, cried until we laughed, and laughed until we cried. She is so what my life needed. Even if she do get on my first and last nerve sometimes , but hey isn't that what sisters do(which she has become).I loved college. There I met some of the best people ever and I am so happy to call those people friends. It wasn't easy for me at first being away from home and not knowing anyone in a new place but it didn't take long for that place to become a home for me. After all I truly believe that it's people that make a place a home and I met young ladies that I now consider my family. There was Isadora who was kind and yet didn't play any games and there was Tee (Tawanna)who I think is one of the nicest people that I have ever met. My second year Candace joined me and then together we met crazy but lovable Naica and Tee's sister (Tamara) Tampoo who is just like my own little sister. A semester later we added Deborah to our small group, a friend of Candaces' since birth and someone we both went to high school with. Not long after that Candace and I met Jasmine (Jazzie Jaye) who we also became clos with.I love my friends and consider them all apart of my family. We cry together (mostly me Candace and Tam) we fight (mostly me and Naica) and we laugh. They are my girls.
Although Candace and I have been friends the longest it was Tee and Dora who first taught me how to be a good friend I don't know what I would have done that first semester without them, no car hours from home and to be real very little money. They saved me from returning home that first year. They instently made me one of them without even really knowing me. I hope that I have done for someone else what they did for me that first year.Thank you so much Girls..

1st pic, Dora, 2nd, Tam & Tee, last, Naica, Deborah, Candace, Jazz

.. Dresses

I am so fabulous today. :) Beautiful and I so know it lol. I didn't wake up today and wish I was another size, today I am more then ok being me fat and all. Like I said in my last blog I only have those days about twice a month and I'm sure that ladies you know what I mean. I'm taking a small trip today just going to visit some old friends from college and I am so happy to be doing this. I haven't seen them since last year and some even longer then that. I so hope that my best friend and I have a ball on this trip. I may be wearing a dress.! that's BIG for me.
The last time I wore a dress I was in the seventh grade and even though I had gained my confidence two years before it was still very fragile. The dress was a Christmas present from my mother and I still can remember opening the box and seeing it. I instantly loved that dress. I remember thinking that it looked so grown up (which is a big thing to a little girl) and so pretty. I wore it exactly one time. I walked into school that day with my head up and a little make-up that my aunt had given me and I remember thinking that I was IT! The day was half way over when some girls let me know how NOT it I was.
Now I'm not the kind of person who believes every negative thing that someone says to me in fact I'm the kind of person now who could care less about what someone thinks of me. I guess at that age and not having my confidence long the insults kind of stayed with me.
So I have a dress its crazy to me that I actually bought one. My aunt has been trying to get me to buy dresses for years (something about me being tall and how they'll look pretty) now I have. I guess I'll let you know If I were it. If I don't it won't be because f the things those girls said that day (I don't think....I hope not) It'll be because maybe the style's not for me, remember it the first in years and years.


Some days I hate waking up fat. On those mornings I wish I had magic powers, the ability to go from my current size to about half my size. For the most part I only have those days one or two times a month, today was one of those days. I didn't go to sleep last night thinking "Man I wish I was smaller". In fact yesterday was a perfectly happy and confident day for me it's just something that I sometimes experience. The good thing is that I know that I'm not alone in this. I know that there are millions of other women out there who have the same feelings as I do. Maybe for them it's their skin or their hair or even something as crazy as their ears whatever it is I know that I am not alone in having my off days. College gave me a chance to meet lots and lots of different people. I don't think it was until then that I realized that I wasn't the only person in the world who fought for confidence every day. One of my closest friends there was this girl who till this day I think could give Halle Berry and Beyonce a run for their money... and probably win. She was beautiful. You would never guess by looking at her that she had to struggle to like her appearance. I would have never imaged that she had not one issue with what she saw when she looked in the mirror each day. But she had all the same issues that I had and many that I didn't have. On one of those long weeknights when we both should have been asleep because of early classes we stayed up late into the night and just simply talked (maybe there were some tears involved) and shared our insecurities.That conversation was the first of many more with not only her but other young women who felt the same way that we did. During my first year of college I discovered that I had a lot more confidence then most of the people surrounding me. I realized that more then likely it had always been that way only I never noticed. I do like myself and on most days I even like what I see when I look in the mirror. It's just that some days like today I wish that I wasn't fat. But then the day is over and I take a look at myself in the mirror and I realize that being fat helped to shape me into the person that I am. I do want to loose weight but I also realize that I love me just as I am and that their are lots of people who love me regardless of my size.

random thoughts

So I miss you still

after all this time I still think of you

in between relationships

when he didn't meet up to the standers you set

in the middle of the night when I find my self longing for arms to hold me

at times when I find myself remembering past fun and laughs

I think of you

.... and I start to miss you

I think that I... Love you. I'm not sure when it happened I only know that it has. and I want you. Can see all my tomorrows at your side and ever smile shared with you. I sometimes spend hours thinking of you. That first time that I head you. My ears found you before my eyes ever saw you. Your voice calling out to me across the crowed room. It was as if you were standing beside me, talking only to me. And then as I was trying to put a face with that beautiful voice you laughed and I know at that second I wanted all your laughs to belong to me. I'm not sure what I expected you to look like but I was far from being disappointed. Man.... I think....I think I love you. I wasn't ready for this and at the same time more then ready for you. I've been looking for what has seemed like forever for ... well ....for.... you. So unperfect in every way yet so perfect for me. So happy that I have found you...so happy to have you....so happy...

It's not going to work

I wonder... do you really see me. When you look at ME is it really me you see or are you only seeing what you wish to? Do you even care to see the real me? Do I matter to you? These questions keep flying though my head day in and out ..it's all I can think of. Do you know me? ......You can't. You say you love me and yet I know that it's not possible for you to. You have no idea what lies beneath this wall that I keep up. No idea whats hiding behind my eyes. And frankly I'm not willing to show you. See I don't love you either. Unlike you I know that I don't know you, I can see that there is something dark in you larking beneath the surface, behind your smiles and your laughs. I don't know the real you but I do understand secrets. And you sir have secrets. The softness that you you put in your voice when you are talking to others may fool them but it's not fooling me. I see the you that you keep a tight leash on. See the shadows in your glaze. No.... I don't love you and I know right now that I never will.

Move on

The rain stooped today and the sun came out bright and free the clouds moved out of the way and a rainbow appeared as if just for me. I no longer cry at the sound of your name or become dazed when I think of you The time of our love is now over and I feel that I can move on without you So I'll remove all the old pictures of us together Out the house and out of my mind And I'll stop wondering why you chose her over me For today is a new day and its time to move on.

a drive

Went to the country today just for a visit. We only got out the car for a minuet. We mostly just drove around and looked. For my grandmother it was a chance to see the place were her parents lived, cried, loved and was laid to rest. A place that she long remembered. For my aunt it was the beginning. The start of her life, her first school, her first home. And me well for me it was a place that held history and life. I don't know what I expected but in no way was it the knowledge I received. The land is so beautiful there, trees that reached the sky and the prettiest green grass as far as the eye can see and every few miles a lake that spoke of peace and serenity. My grandmother use to live on a piece of that land. A long time ago but yet not that long at all. It belonged to her parents and it was the land that she was raised on, the place she spent her childhood. It was the first time that I had seen this land that had at one time been owned by my family. The first time that I had seen where she and her siblings were raised. Looking at the simple beauty of the land I couldn't understand why this wasn't a place that we still could come to and relax. But then she told me. like most black families in the south at that time who were somewhat of a success they constantly faced racism. The land was taken from her family by white southerns. Although her father had completely paid for the land after his death the land was taken away. The story is sad but no more then any other normal southern black family of that time.


I never believed that you could really be lonely in a crowd, but here I am
surrounded by many and yet so alone. Missing what life use to be and trying to find my happiness. Searching it seems in all the wrong places. It's always dark, where is the light? Sometimes I reach out for it only to have it shimmer into nothingness...I'm not weak I am strong but as days pass without change I find my strength receding.. always less then the day before. I'm not one of the many who can't hope for the best, but as days turn into weeks and weeks into months and everyday seems the same I loose a little more. I don't know the last time I smiled a real smile, don't know the last time I didn't hide behind fake words and untrue laughs. I can't seem to escape this darkness. Each day I try and each night I find that it has only become darker, this hole void of brightness deeper. I'm screaming for help on the inside but so much of me won't allow those screams to become anything more then just whispers only I can hear. I'm not sure if I know how to take down these shields remove this mask. It's been so much apart of me these last few years that it's becoming .....me. I'm sick of this, need more then this. I..... need .....light.


So I thought of you today. Memories of you made me smile today. And I know that it will never be like it use to be can never be like it use to be but today I missed you . Remember that time that we played the day away dancing to our own music...your arms around me holding me your eyes shining bright with love for me. I remember and I miss that.


I wish I knew you. Tall chocolate skin and pretty white smile, a huge loud laugh and dark shiny eyes, I wish you knew me. Sometimes I see you and I know that you're all I want in a man. My future I can see with you. Every morning I want to wake up in your arms, see your face... and smile. I want to know that you love me. I promise that you'll love me. I'm everything that you want I know it and if their are some things that can be changed... we'll work on it but I know that you'll love me just for me you won't care about some of the things that I stand in the mirror antagonising over for hours in fact it will be those things that you love most about me. I'm not saying that loving me will be easy because I'm sure that it wont be. I'll make you work for my love but once you have it, my love will be yours forever. And I'm not saying that you will never get mad at me because I'm sure you will but I promise that the make ups will be worth the arguments. I promise that their is nothing we can't work out and that at the end of everyday you will be glad that you made me your wife. I will be your everything and you will be mine ... except for those times when I need my space (which is often) and those times yo need your (which I hope is often) I won't premise that we'll never fight about stupid things because we will but I will promise that we will laugh about it latter, I am the Lady that you need, the one who you can love and you are the man for me ... believe me. I wish I knew you, tall chocolate skin and pretty white smile, a huge loud laugh and shiny dark eyes I wish I knew you. Sometimes I see you and I know that you're all I want in a man but then I wake up before I can clearly see your profile ... I wish I knew you

picture from photobucket

miss you

so.....I miss you today...Dreamed of you last night and it was almost like you were still here. I could see the reddish brown color of your skin and your big smile that use to light up your whole face. And in this dream I could see your white head of hair.... it was a dream about the good times before the cancer and the kemo. We were in the car going... :), I don't no where.. Probably you just taking me to shop for a book or something that I wanted.... because that was so like you. ... We were together just you and me on a pretty spring day riding down the street in that old blue car that you loved so much. Just you and me. I could almost here your laugh, so loud and free so... you, hear you saying my name again. I woke up before the end of the dream and for about an hour I just laid their in bed with my eyes close hoping for another view of you....Man I miss you today so close to spring.. miss seeing you sitting outside in the yard, playing with some ole' wondering dog looking for a home, miss you dancing the jig and telling me stories about your childhood...I really just........miss you


Did I 4get to tell you that I no longer love you, don't feel as if I need you anymore.
Did I not tell you that my heart has moved on and in the place of you there is now me?
Tears no longer fall when I think of you and the storm that you left behind has passed.
I now smile when I think of you.
I no longer hate you and I now realize that I had to have a bad relationship to know just how blessed I will be when I experience a good relationship.
Did I forget to mention something? is that the reason you're calling?
Are you calling because you need to hear that I no longer love you, need to know how happy I find myself now that you are gone?
My smile is brighter then ever and my laugh is true, I no longer have to pretend that I don't miss you because somewhere down the line I did stop missing you.

Come To Me

I want to hold you if only for a few hours,
And I need you here with me for a lifetime,
The mystery man in my dreams
Come to me.
I dream of you every night,
And as sunshine conquers the darkness you vanish never to be seen again,
until I fall asleep once more.
Will you know me?
Will I know you, if we ever meet?
Come to me.
Sometimes I wake with my pillow wet,
With tears that have fallen from my eyes,
Because in my dream you went away.
I know that I love you although I don't even know your name
Where are you?
Who are you?
Come to me.
Make these dreams a reality.
Give me your love and, I will give you mine
Come to me be my love be my light.
© Pamieka Adams

loved you

The winter stepped in and took away my sun
Brought back my pain
The cloudless sky was no longer a reality
The rain like ice fell onto my body, into my heart
And long silent tears fall down my face
The flowers you once gave me have long past died and only weeds remain
You left and took my heart, mind, and soul with you
You left and now I almost hate you
Almost hate myself for allowing you inside my head, my heart, me
I almost can..t carry on
You almost killed me inside
I almost let you
Today the sun is back
Today there are new flowers that are blooming
Today I learned to live without you
Today I love me more then I lovED you.
© Pamieka Adams

miss him

Is it OK that I still miss him?
Sometimes I pick up the phone to call him and then I remember why I can't.
He no longer lives alone, he has a wife two kids that were suppose to be mine....
and a life that I'm not in.
I don't love him anymore,
I don't I really, really don't....
I've said those words so many times that I'm not sure if I'm tryin' to convince those around me or myself.
I should have moved on by now it's been years ...
well it was 'pose to be years
only he kept calling and I kept going until I was the one calling
and days became months and months became years of sex with no commitment,
years of sex with a man who wasn't mine in public anymore....
only mine in hotels...motels and sometimes at his house when she wasn't around......
I can picture the looks on your faces...
looks of scorn...and I can almost hear the thoughts in your minds that are becoming whispers that are not so soft
but I should tell you something else first before you continue to judge me.
He was mine first..... My first love, my first lover,
He was mine first,
and she was the whore... she was the one in hotels and motels and places unseen...
she was the one who was the other woman..
the one who didn't care that he had me...
before you start to cry out my name in disgust,
know that it was her who messed up my happily ever after first.
her who first did the wrong..does that make it OK?
No..but it should help you understand.
The pain that I have caused her is so much like what she caused me....
so am I sorry in that regard NO...
but I am sorry that I spent so much time on a man I can never have for all to see,
Sorry that I spent so much time in hotels, motels instead of home with a man who loved me,
And sorry that I spent so much of my time writing poems like this one that are not really poems at all but letters to him.

cry 4 you

A silent tear will fall down my face when ever I think of you,When ever I'm alone with no one else around I'll cry for you
I'll cry for the man you could have become if only...If only you had listened changed your mistakes into good choices
If only you had believed in yourself half as much as I believed in you
If only you had made good on your promises
Tonight I'l cry for you I'll wait until everything and everyone has fallen asleep
and with only the dark night to comfort me
I'l cry for you.
© Pamieka Adams

I Remember

The way you would hug me and how your laugh made me laugh..
I remember you daily.
The love you had for me and all you did for me...
I hold thoughts of you in my heart....
As a child I always thought that I didn't have a father
but as I became an adult I realized that I always did have one in you...
I remember .......
and I miss you......

A Letter

I like you... I'm just not sure if I know how to build somethin real...see I still remember what happed the last time I gave my heart...attempted to build something real. I don't want to bring ghosts from the past into something new....But I don't know how to move past the memories of how he hurt me.... And I don't want you to think that I'm still in love with him ... I don't it's just that it's really hard for me to trust again.... I'm not sure if I can handle another heartbreak not sure if I'll be able to fix the broken pieces again ....if my heart gets broken .....And yes I know that you're not him....I know that you are you and that you're not "like all the rest" but that doesn't help me any.... And even if I start something new with you how do I stop the pain from the past from interfering with our future..? I'm scared!!! So very scared that you wont be whats right for me .....even more scared that you will be, but I wont be whats right for you....... And VERY scared that in the time that it takes me to overcome my fear...you'll move on and leave me full of regret.


I know that you may not understand this
but I don't know how I feel about you and
I know that you are starting to like me
but you see I don't know if I will ever like you.....
not in the way you want me too
and I do believe that you are cool peeps but shit dude it's just not there for me....
I mean really it's not you its really me ...
I was in a relationship with dat dude so long that now I'm just taking time out to love me...
I don't want to hurt you but
I'm not there yet and to be honest I'm not sure if I will ever be ...
.with you.
So don't start to like me too much
and please don't fall in love
see I'm just having fun right now
and I won't tie mysellf down when I just got free...
understand .....

Let's just be

Let me hold you, love you, comfort you.. in my arms you don't have to worry about a thing, in my arms it's just you and me.... take my hand and let me lead you to our bedroom where the outside world doesn't matter it's just us ... we can start with a slow dance ... pull me in your arms and hold me tight ..
lets forget about work and everything that causes stress ....
I want to just be in your arms tonight remembering the first time I saw you fell in love with you the first time you made me laugh with one of your corny jokes that I have come to love...
The first time you kissed me, caressed me...
Lets just dance..
hold me close to you with no intention of letting me go ... the same way I hold you in my heart
... Baby lets just be ...

Mr. Love

Love must be a man A lying deceitful man cold in his purpose masterful in his actions Able to be soft and gentle but also hard and mean
Love must be a man because he hurts me time and time again Making me believe that this time it will be real Making me giggle and laugh, blush when a name is mentioned only to be so very unreal He often leaves me in the middle of the night sleepless and sad craving chocolate Only to reappear the next night and cause tears to fall, like rain onto the rain forest, down my cheeks He hurts me and yet continue to come back whispering in my ear "I can make you happy"Love has to be a man a irresponsible cavalier man He doesn't seem to care that I'm sad He promises me more only to give me little makes me laugh then makes me cry.......
Love must be a man
A wonderful, beautiful, man powerful in his nature masterful in his actions
Able to be strong yet gentle and caring
Love must be a man because he sets me a fire at only the thought of him
Leave me breathless with the hope that he's real And make me giggle, laugh, and blush when his name is mentioned He often wake me in the middle of the night longing to be touched by him
He makes my eyes overflow with tears of happiness and is the reason that I smile
He whisper things in my ear that makes me blush and treats me with care
Love has to a man a confident kind man He holds me when I'm sad He compliments me when I'm depressed makes me cry then makes me laugh....© Pamieka Adams