... tears

Some days are harder then others. Sometimes you can't laugh enough, smile enough. And then there are days when the tears won't stop, on those days you can't laugh to cover the cries, because they won't stay hidden. I've always been told that life wasn't easy, or fair for that matter, but it doesn't stop me from wishing it was hoping that it will be even though I know it doesn't work like that. I truly believe that on some days everyone no mater how big or strong need to let the tears fall. Let out the sadness to make room for happiness to enter. I have had a few of those days. Days when I didn't feel like talking to anyone much less smiling. Today happens to be that day for me.

People are always quick to inform you about life and it's hardships. About their bad choices and how not to make the the same mistakes they did but the hardest parts of life can't be told they are only felt. There is no way to explain the pain of your first heartbreak or the reason for the tears afterward. These are things that you have to experience to fully understand. No one can tell you how to deal with your hard times, only what worked best for them. But after the heartbreak, and the regrets you completely comprehend what they were trying to explain, but you had to first experience it for yourself. The same can be said about the death of a loved one.

I loss my brother a few years ago and shortly after he was gone so was my uncle. To those who have never experienced loss it may be hard to fully understand how I feel right now, because after all it wasn't yesterday even though on some days it feels like it was less then a hour ago, it's been years. I still remember my best friend telling me about when her aunt died (who was more like her mother) and how she would burst into tears at random moments. Four years later I still have days that my emotions overwhelm me. At twenty-one (for me) it's hard to imagine anything hurting worse then a broken heart. At that time there was nothing I could fathom that was worse then being rejected by a man that I thought was the love of my life. I was so very wrong. Heartbreak can not at all compare to large chunks of your heart being taken away.

On some days it's easy. Sometimes I can go for months without the tears... smiling when I remember a funny moment I shared with one of them. And on some days like today smiling just won't do, because I'm to sad, to angry about them not being here, and missing them more then I would sunlight. ....