It's
crazy how people have so many issues with themselves that they push them off on
you. I'm a big girl, a fat girl and to be real I always have been. I'm not
going to lie and say that over the years that I haven't ever felt sad or
depressed about my weight that would be stupid. I know people...well women...
who weigh half of what I do and have issues with their weight so there is no
way that I'm going to say that every day I feel perfect just the way I am, I
don't. But I do love myself and I have so many more good days then bad, if you
were to ask a member of my family or a close friend of mine they will no doubt
tell you that I think the world of me, fat and all. :)
Growing
up fat wasn't easy at home and certainly not at school. I'm one of five and
three of my siblings are male and older than me so some days home was worse than
school. And I didn't even mention my crazy uncle who till this day still calls
me Cushy (as in cushion) and makes jokes every time I see him. No it was not
easy being a fat little girl at all, but I did it. It was a part of who I was and
as hard as it was I'm grateful for the tears just as much as I am for the smiles
because it made me.... me.
By
the time I started school I was more than a little used to being teased with
brothers who were three, four, and five years older than me (and my crazy
uncle) I had just about heard every insult an overweight child could hear so I
was ready for school. I was a very quiet child in fact most of my friends now
wouldn't even believe it if they could see me then. Today I'm more than a
little confident with the woman that I am, but that doesn't mean that I can't
remember when I wasn't confident. I've always been a private person; I've never
really allowed people to see my feelings hurt no matter what. I still remember
crying silent tears in my pillow as a child, not talking to my mom or much of
anyone about anything that may have bothered me. To this day I still remember
the hurt I felt when my youngest brother insulted my appearance in my favorite
dress. I loved that dress it was pink and so pretty to me, but after that day I
never wore it again. I hid it in the bottom of a closet and didn't see it again
until I was well into my teens. From five till ten I silently listened to all
the insults and then one day I decided that I wasn't going to anymore. I don't
know what made that day different from all the others but it was and it changed
me. I was sitting in class listening to the endless laughs and jokes and then
suddenly I was defending myself. I had always defended myself with my brothers
but for the most part I didn't have to, the second my grandmother saw tears in
my eyes she would make them pay for whatever it was that they had done or said.
School was different I never spoke up for myself and bullies always seemed to
be aware when the teachers were out of earshot. But that day was different I
was tired of it. That day Pamieka who never had a thing to say, Pamieka who
always had an A in conduct got in a fight. That day was the first time that I
had ever really defended myself to anyone other than my brothers. And that day
was the beginning of my confidence. I got in another fight a year later with
the same boy but I never had a problem with anyone else at that school. At home
my brother still laughed and made jokes, they were still boys but I no longer
simply took what they dished out. One day while looking in the mirror I decided
that I wasn't just fat I was more. Every day after that for at least the next
two years I would look in the mirror and say " I'm gorgeous" and
every time my brothers would call me fat I would add to the end " and
gorgeous" Till this day I don't know what happened to make me start to do
that or to speak out.
By
the time I reached high school my confidence had grown so much that I was no
longer simply saying "I'm gorgeous" I had started believing it. And I
had no problem letting people know just how much I thought of myself. You could
see it in my walk, hear it in my voice, and see it in my style. I was fat yes
but I was also beautiful, and I was not at all the sort of person who just sat
by and took insults. It simply wasn't me anymore.
I
wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen (my grandmother wasn't having none
of that), but to be honest I didn't really need the restriction. I didn't have
a boyfriend until I was fifteen... about three weeks before I turned sixteen.
That 'relationship' lasted about 10 seconds. I didn't have another one until
about a year and a half later. That relationship turned out to be so much more than
the one before. That relationship showed me the ups and downs of love.
I
have only been in love that one time, and regardless of the drama, the tears,
and the heartbreak I was lucky in love. I wasn't involved in a relationship
with someone who tore me down. Instead I fell in love with someone who was not
simply a friend but a best friend. Someone who never let a day go by without
telling me how pretty he thought I was and wasn't ashamed to tell me in front
of whoever was present. He didn't take away from my confidence he added to it.
It still makes me smile when I think of all the times he pulled me into his
arms to dance and sing "Pretty Brown Eyes" in his less then nice
singing voice while his friends looked on. That relationship ended with a lot
of tears but it set a standard for me. It helped me to realize what it was that
I wanted in a relationship... and what I didn't want. :) It helped me to expect
flowers just because, compliments and friendship in my relationships. It helped
me to only accept the best for me.
I've
had a few relationships since then but love has yet to find me again. I know
what I want and that's what I will have (it is soooo many crazies out here I
just want the one for me ...who's SANE). People still have a tendency to be
surprised when I step into the room with a handsome man who has a career, it's
crazy. My aunt can't seem to get over the fact that every time we hang out some
dude asks for my number, it's always funny to watch her. People really do act
like fat and ugly is the same word. I went out with a friend who really has a
banging body ... small waist big booty you know the works. We were sitting at a
table listening to the band and drinking our cute little drinks in the pretty
glasses..you know the ones... when two guys walked over both teachers. You
could have knocked her over with a feather when it was my name and number they
asked for, sista girl’s night was ruined. She just knew that it was her they
wanted to talk to after all I am "Fat". I still laugh when I think
about it. I promised she said about two sentences to me the rest of the night,
and those two were to shoot the dudes down. People have so many hang ups and
they always like to act like it's you who have the issue.
who says I can't ?
Beautiful Fat Girl
