loosing it

I need some me time

Not some you and some I

Just some me time, oooh

Jazzyfatnastees - Unconventional Ways


Its been a while since I wrote something..and no not a blog... I'm a poet... a lovely poet  THE lovlipoet  lol but it's beena while. I don't do political crap ..no offence it's just not me ... I do love.. I write love... etc. I hate love, I love love, I want love type of stuff. but it's been a while since I hated love and even longer since I loved love and I'm sick of writing I want love... and right now I'm not even sure how I feel about love. I think I've lost hope in love. not the hope that I will find it but just simply hope in love. I've always been a girlly girl who loved the Disney fairy tales and the idea of the white picket fence two car household and 5.2 kids.. thats always been me but I'm not sure how I feel about love anymore. Do I want a husband? ...Kids? yeah but I'm not sure if its because it's the natural next step or if I just reallllly want that for me. I look at my bestie and my sister with their kids and I know that I want babies ..and someone there to help me rise them...but I'm not sure if I believe in happily ever afters anymore if life has taught me anything its that nothing last 4ever ...things end...people ....end... and happiness is not a certainty. I've been in romantic love and let me tell you the pain when it fell though was more real then the love.
 I have been on both sides of the fence: in love with someone who cared less then two pennies about me/ and not in love with someone who was in love with me. Love is, like everything else in the world not fair. Love is not a guarantee... just because you give it out doesn't mean it will return to you. I'm not afraid of love nor the pain it can cause. I'm afraid that I won't truly find it, Scared that since I'm unwilling to settle for anything less then whats right for me that I won't find my love... and what if I find it but it's not real love. So many people  find themselves married for just the sake of marriage and a few years in they're unhappy but they don't want to leave b/c they like saying "I'm married" it's like this big accomplishment. I know maybe 2 people who are still happy in their vows and 1 of them I think is pretending ... Chris Rock said "You can be married and bored, or single and lonely" but it looks like to me you can be single and lonely or married and unhappy...but I guess if you're lonely you're not exactly happy huh... lose/lose what you think? I'm not bitter... not mad.... not sad...just real. I love love. that new love, hold his hand, get flowers just because, he makes you laugh, he can't stop looking at you kind of LOVE... but most people don't hold on to that. So after you have had the wedding and the kids ...whats the next step.. since for most people happily ever after includes more then being happy?

Golden - Chrisette Michele


Take me back in the day when loving was pure

Love ain't going away, love is always secure

Life's not always perfect but love's always forever

Lets let true love connect lets try lasting together

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my all

I'm so ready to give til' the day that my life is no more

I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be

Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Be the man of my dreams and get down on one knee, Love

Say you'll be all I need and then ask me to marry you, my love

Lets take two golden bands and lets walk down the isle, Love

I'll say I do and you'll say I do, make a golden commitment, oh

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole

And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more

I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will

Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

Let's last forever (let's last forever)

No typical american shady love

Let's stay together (let's stay together)

Pray God smile upon ours

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole

And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more

I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be, yes I will

Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden

I'm so ready to love, I'm so ready to promise my whole

And I'm so ready to give till the day that my life is no more

I'll be everything that this woman could possibly be

Cause I'm ready to be like the olden days when commitment was golden



oh oh my


Golden love

Cause commitment is golden

Mmm mmm


Not sure what I want
not sure its you ..but not sure it's not
I just want to be.....
I think I could love you...
not sure I could ever be in love with you
I want to go
Not sure how to stay
mind wondering
don't want to miss out
on you ... on the next adventure
on life

missed opportunities
days gone by
dreams turned to ash
a new day
another sunrise
but no way to get back what has already gone by
dwell on the past and miss your present
forget the past and make a mess of the future
who said that it all mattered
whats the bigger picture
whos the star in this movie
not sure if I want to be

Don't have to make sense to you b/c it's lost on me lol

one thought to the next

OK ppl it's been a while ...bad news...I haven't walked in over a week...still want to get healthy..at first it was my car now it's just me being lazy 
Good news I just completed my first week of work...and it's ok best of all its a paycheck until I get into my career which I didn't tell you all  will be teaching. I'm so ready to be ....I don't know doing something else... I'm thinking about going somewhere by myself.. My friends and I are pose to be doing this trip thing which I really don't know if its going to happen at this point ...I want it to but whatever... I want to kinda go somewhere ...just me.. weird huh maybe I'll plan on doing it a year from now
So I am going to start back walking ..I was so excited about it and I still want to be an 18 instead of the 28 I currently am so I am going to do this ppl I haven't lost my momentum just my way for  a little while
good news I haven't been eating crazy
I know I'm hopping all over the place in this blog but thats what my mind is doing right now sooooo lol
Lets see what else is going on..... My best friend and I haven't been talking as much but we always kinda do this usually I take this time to get close with one of my other friends that I have neglected..but oh well.
on to the next thing...
I've been thinking about marriage alot lately which at ..almost ..27 is the norm (I think) for a single woman .. I don't really want to be married right now but I so wouldn't mind being in love .. a friend of mine who is older and single keep telling me to stop throwing men back ... I just want one I can love back...I guess when you get to a certain age ..hers not mine... you wish you would have given someone from your past a chance.  I have yet to meet a man who I think I can be with long enough for the wedding much less for the rest of my life.
Most of my friends are married...even ones who I thought wouldn't be...and they are almost all younger then me all but like 3.. so hear I am and I'm kinda ready for the next step......waiting
Happy Mothers Day


My aunt is getting on my first and last people...really she is. To be completely honest with yall, this is nothing new ..she always getting on my nerves. I mean it's crazy. I say left, she say right. I say red, she say blue... Did I mention that these are decision about my life? You would think that I'm going on 12 instead of 27..I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!
I'm a to my self sort..meaning b4 I talk to anyone about anything I've already figured it out in my mind...am I always right? Of course not BUT I don't need YOU to tell me what YOU 'think' I should freaking do every time I pick up the phone to call you.
Another thing she do that BUGGS the hell out of me... My aunt loves to call me when I'm in stressful situations so that she can talk and talk and freaking talk .. In the beginning I used to tell her that I didn't feel like talking... Guess what bloggers that would offend her ...and all of a sudden I would find myself in either an argument about how I "act" and some other stuff that I wouldn't listen to or I would find myself in a lecture about my behavior or some other mess....
So now bloggers I don't even waste my time.. I just say hello try to say yeah when she ask a question and ummmhuh until she says bye..BUT do that freaking work NO now I'm just "holding the phone" and she "can't tell if I'm on the phone" no winning...none
Now bloggers maybe I should tell you that my aunt and I are very close..we talk a lot ..I even lived with her for a while ..she helps me when I need it, shes encouraging and I respect her.. BUT the lady is killing me. She has known me all my life she should know when I need space... I'm a lil sick of this!!! it always happens when I'm already stressed about 10 other things..and then she calls with all her blah blah blah..I just want to scream "HUSH I DON'T FREAKIN CARE" the funny thing is that I don't say a thing and yet she still get mad at me... 59 minutes until the next hour..lets see what it brings.
So not in the mood for all this B.S. thats going on today nor for the people who are creating it. 

Beyonce Hater

So I used to be a Beyonce Hater. No real reason for disliking this lady that I knew nothing about, I just didn't like her. I remember giving some cockamamie story about how unfair she was to her old band mates as if that had anything to do with me. Stupid I know, since no one except them know what really happened. In 2003 when Beyonce released her solo album I had to let my hateration take a backseat.. it was poppin just that hard. With the rest of the world I had to go get the CD. That's when I stopped being a Beyonce hater and became a Beyonce lover.                                    
About two weeks ago a friend and I had it out about Beyonce. She hates her. No real reason why, she just doesn't’t like the lady. When I asked her why, she gave the same old reason "well she put them other girls out the group" 1. that's been years ago. 2. How do you know what happened?...you don't. Another reason she gave was that she didn't like Beyonce because she fired her dad "Her dad made her, how she just gon fire him?" 1. what business of it is yours? 2. How do you not be angry about your family as you know it ending? So after I said this to her she went on to say that their are better singers then Beyonce. WHAT?!!? Where did that come from? I didn't say anything about homegirls talent but since she took it there I pointed out Beyonce record sales and all her fans worldwide. Her reply " everybody don't like her."
Yall the girl was killing me. 1. You don't have to like someone to admit that they are talented...ex. you don't have to like me to say I'm pretty..lol... 2. How is it that you dislike someone who you don't know?
When do Beyonce say more then two words on camera? Almost never. When she accepts her awards you hear "Thank you" a few people that she thanks and then she’s gone. There are some celebs that allow you to see enough of their personality to say you don't care for them BUT Beyonce is not one of them.
So this is what I think of Beyonce haters... you're jealous...she’s beautiful, rich, talented, and you cant handle it.. GET A FREAKING LIFE!

And I'm talking to everyone out there who can't admit that someone is pretty, funny, cute, smart, fun, just because you "don't like them"  Become happy with yourself.
ok bloggers...guess what? I GOT THE FREAKING JOB YaY!!!! so freaking happy about this right now .... awwwwaahhahhhhhwaaaaaaaaaaa thats me screaming in joy
ok yall got a call today  (at like 4:30-5:00) from the job...background check came back..and of course its good..after all I'm a good girl. My last interview is tomorrow...wish me luck. **happy dance all over the place..**

Black grandmother

Jill Ciccone Pike

I found this pic online and I loved it. It makes me think of all the grandmothers who are out there and have raised their own children but find themselves once again wearing the shoes of parent with their grandchildren. This is very normal in the black community. The view of a family is normally described as: father, mother, children. But this is not what is the normal in the black community. With more and more children being born out of wedlock and more fathers walking away, the view of a black family has changed from days of old.
I don't want it to seem as if I'm picking on black men because I'm not. I personally think that there are many good black men out there..and that there are quite a few bad mothers in our community.
I think the key to this is to teach our children responsibility and to let them know to hold on to their bodies longer. A teenager is not ready to be a parent. I know of young adults who are good parents but most are just not ready for that responsibility.
I should point out that although this blog is directed to the black community, we are not alone in this but we do have the highest numbers in grandmothers becoming mothers again


Not really sure how I feel today but I know that I want to ...write... guess I can tell you all about whats going on right now huh?... NOTHING lol my car is crazy and I have yet to here back from  the job I interviewed for ... no worries at least not just this second I'm still hopeful ... they're doing a background check which I know don't take long but I'll give it another day before I freak out... have yet to take the car to the shop but as I said I will do it once I hear back from the job....so maybe tomorrow... but definitely by Saturday. I have a class today ...2 really. I haven't been to my history class in forever ...good thing he doesn't have an attendance policy.. ok bad news I haven't walked since last week .... yeah I know I know bad me... I do plan on getting back on the ball I haven't lost my momentum I just been a lil anxious about this job and to be honest I don't want to take my car out til its unavoidable ..I am not a stuck by the side of the rode type of girl... and a lil lazy. anyway there you have it... oh I may have forgotten that my best friend whom I love asked me if I was going to buy her a mothers day gift ummmm
1. no job
2. stupid car..I can't afford to fix..
3. no money
4. you know all this..you're my bestie who I talk to daily
5. you still haven't worn the dress I gave you for mother's day last year
6. Now this is a question for everyone...Is it ok for unsingles to expect or ask for a gift from single friends when since I don't have kids I can't get one from you?... just asking
I would love to be able to buy her a gift but come on bestie you know I have no money...you know how depressed I am about the situation. How can I buy you a needless gift when I can't do something for myself that I need.

Sunday Best


Ok people so a..humm what so call her... a classmate of mine recently told me that she checked herself into a mental institution... Yes really. She isn't living there but she now has to see a psychologist and take some medication. Wired... at least to me. She also told me that she has head voices .... really freaking wired. So ok bloggers here's where I'm at on this whole situation in case you didn't catch it. FREAKIN WHAT IS UP!!? I'm all about helping people bloggers ..I'm not at all a selfish person.... moody..yes.. bossy..lol yes... and as friends and family keep telling me lately maybe a bit of a witch.. well maybe that should be a b.... But still not selfish. But I just really can't help someone who's hearing voices...that is just beyond the bounds of friendship, at least for me. Floating voices that only you can hear..  I can't help you with .. so now we are at an impasse how do you tell... or rather in my case no longer invite convo to... someone in need? tell that person you can't speak to them anymore?.. It sounds harsh yall I know but what happens when this voice tells her to 'do harm to Pamieka'.... No I don't think so... I mean I always thought that was some white people crap (no offense ..really) only ya black behind is now saying that a voice told you to break the law ummm I'm sorry but I can't play with it...