5am tears

my brothers and I

...know how you try to put something out of your mind...just so you can make it through the next day? How you try to forget to hurt or cry so that you won't have to? I've been doing that all week.... only it's not working and right now at 5am the hurt has caught up to me and the tears that have been lying in wait are starting to fall. Tomorrow will make six years since my brother passed and ..... and right this second I can no longer hide behind... school or friends. Right now the reality of my loss is staring me right in the face and I can't seem to close my eyes to the fact that six years ago I lost someone wonderful, someone that the grown up me was just beginning to know and understand. So here I am, sad, depressed and typing b/c I haven't been able to face whats happening to my emotions right now much less discuss it.
There are few regrets that I have when it comes to my brother, He loved me..I know that and I loved him and he was aware of my love. The last time we talked in fact we said those words. I'm so happy that it worked out that way. What I do regret is that I didn't understand sooner how hard his life was... that I wasn't grown up enough at 16 or even 19 to know how much he had to bear. My brother developed kidney disease at 8 years old and his life was full of hospital visits and doctors and needles and..... and yet he still laughed... he still enjoyed every minute that he was given. I don't want you to think that I am making him out to be an angle...he wasn't... that boy had a temper on him :) but he was also sweet and kind and so very giving.  I just hate that he left when we were starting to build .. something more. Hate that I lost him when I had just gotten to an age where I was mature enough to understand what he faced.. The constant uncertainties that life offers.... The very first memory that I have of life is of my brother... I was about 3.. maybe.. which would mean he was 7 and he was giving me chips... ..... He was my brother bloggers the first person in my family to give me a birthday gift ... the reason I know and understand how important the words I love you can be... And right now at 5am he's the reason for the tears that are falling down my face and the longing I feel... I miss his laugh.. his voice and yes even that terrible temper.

1 comment

Anonymous | February 24, 2011 at 1:34 PM

Even though your pain is evident, I am hoping that your expressing your feelings through your written (or typed) words have helped ease the pain a little. Even though he isn't here, i know the memory of him will last a lifetime. #knowinghowyoufeel...