..On happiness

Mieka No comment yet

..On happiness

I think that often people...fat people have the belief that skinny means happy. They don't seem to realize that happy is a state of mind and not a state of size. There are fat people who spend their whole life thinking " if only I was smaller I would be happier". This is just simply not true. Happiness is something that comes from the inside. Their are hundreds...millions of people out there who are not fat and yet still unhappy. Happy is not having tons of money, the right house or car. Happy is not the number of friends you have or the outings you go on. Happiness is not being pretty. And happy is most certainly not ........ being .......... thin.

I like writing about being fat because... well I'm fat. Fat is not all I am it's just happen to be a factor in my appearance. But often when I meet people for the first time they come to conclusions about who I am before I even speak because of my size. People often treat people of a different race or culture different then they do their own race. The same can be said for fat people, only people often don't realize that they do it. People have a tendency to believe that fat people are weaker mentally then thin people or that they are lazy. These things are just not true. Everyone have their issues, just because you can see mine does not give you the right to judge me. I would never tell anyone that I have no plans to loose weight or that I don't want to loose weight. I would not be being honest if I said that. I'm in fact trying to loose right now lol, Seems like I'm always trying. But their is so much of me that is happy that I started off this life being just who I am fat and all.

I'm a pretty girl :) I'm not arrogant I'm just being honest. Growing up their was always someone saying "oooohhh she so pretty to be so fat". I can't really remember a time when someone would just said "she's pretty" without saying anything about my size. Sometimes it sounded as if they hated to even admit that I was pretty because of my size. I don't think that people realize that the complement no longer matters when something that can be viewed as an insult follows it. For my sister it was always " shes pretty to be so dark" no one would ever say the first without saying the last for either of us. That always made me feel really sorry for the dark skinned fat girls because I was sure that if my sister and I only got compliments that was followed by insults that they received no compliments at all. And even now I'm not sure which I would prefer, half compliments or none at all.

I learned early on not to base my happiness on what other people think about me ... after all I already spend too much time on my own negative thoughts about my weight and/or my other faults to really take into consideration all the insults others pitch my way. Unfortunately the same can not be said about my sister and a few close friends of mines. It seems that they are always overly concerned with everything that others have to say about them. One of my friends don't even know how to receive a compliment, after its given she spends what seems like hours trying to figure out if it was really sincere (which is very annoying). I try not to be that way. I realize that if you don't like you then you leave a lot of room for the rest of the world to walk all over you. It's almost impossible for others to love and accept you when they are constantly having to repeat themselves and prove they are sincere when you don't like yourself.

Life is what you make it, and happiness is a choice. Don't let other people make a choice about your life... you decide. I hope you choose to be happy it's not always easy BUT it is always a choice.

.....on friendship

Mieka No comment yet

.....on friendship

OK ... wore the dress ...loved the dress. I had a lot of fun this weekend with my girls we were missing a few people but there is nothing more fun then just sitting back with old friends dishing....and we did a lot of dishing. After having a few drinks we probably told a few more secrets then we intended. lol. But it doesn't really matter because it was US and we are the type of friends that can share things without being afraid of it coming back to bite us. There is nothing like GOOD girlfriends, and I am blessed to have some of the best. I haven't always had good friends but I am so happy that I now have them.

I didn't have a really good friend until I was about ten maybe eleven years old. We stayed friends for about three years and then kinda just lost contact, with all the changes different schools new friends, we just grew apart. Somewhere in the middle of that friendship I became friends with this other girl, Ericka who went to the same school as I did. I don't know what pushed us together...well I guess we were both kinda on the outside. We were both quite and we both talked to everyone and yet wasn't friends with anyone. We sorta just clicked. We were really close in fact she was my first best friend. About a year after our friendship started we met a guy. dum de dum dum ...dummm. :) I'm still not sure to this day if we would have remained friends even if it wasn't for Q. We were friends from seventh grade until tenth grade, and I say tenth very lightly. As time went by the very thing that had pushed us together was a big part of us growing apart. I pretty much have always been me, and what I mean by that is that I have always been kind of a loner, I like my space. And although I used to long to be liked I never was willing to do some of the things it sometimes took to be liked. So I was still that quit girl standing on the outside talkin to everyone but not really friends with anyone. This changed for Ericka. High school put her in the center of everything and well I was still just ...me. and happy that way.

Q ended up being her boyfriend for about two years (eighth and ninth grade) and he and I ended up as best friends. By the middle of tenth grade the friendship Ericka and I had once shared was over. Once again different schools, and new friends kinda just helped the split in our friendship...not to mention Q. At that point I was still lacking female friends and this just made Q and I grow closer. A year and a half later my best friend became my boyfriend... as you can guess there was no going back to a friendship with Ericka at that point. lol. For the record that is not something that I would ever do again I don't know we could blame youth or we can just look at it as something that... happened. Whatever it was Q ended up being my first love and my first heartbreak, but that's another story.

In the eleventh grade I met my current bestie and I am so very blessed that I did. Candace have been there for me though so many hard times in my life that I really don't know how I made it to sixteen without her. We have lost loved ones, been sick, cried until we laughed, and laughed until we cried. She is so what my life needed. Even if she do get on my first and last nerve sometimes , but hey isn't that what sisters do(which she has become).I loved college. There I met some of the best people ever and I am so happy to call those people friends. It wasn't easy for me at first being away from home and not knowing anyone in a new place but it didn't take long for that place to become a home for me. After all I truly believe that it's people that make a place a home and I met young ladies that I now consider my family. There was Isadora who was kind and yet didn't play any games and there was Tee (Tawanna)who I think is one of the nicest people that I have ever met. My second year Candace joined me and then together we met crazy but lovable Naica and Tee's sister (Tamara) Tampoo who is just like my own little sister. A semester later we added Deborah to our small group, a friend of Candaces' since birth and someone we both went to high school with. Not long after that Candace and I met Jasmine (Jazzie Jaye) who we also became clos with.I love my friends and consider them all apart of my family. We cry together (mostly me Candace and Tam) we fight (mostly me and Naica) and we laugh. They are my girls.

Although Candace and I have been friends the longest it was Tee and Dora who first taught me how to be a good friend I don't know what I would have done that first semester without them, no car hours from home and to be real very little money. They saved me from returning home that first year. They instently made me one of them without even really knowing me. I hope that I have done for someone else what they did for me that first year.Thank you so much Girls..

1st pic, Dora, 2nd, Tam & Tee, last, Naica, Deborah, Candace, Jazz

.. Dresses

Mieka No comment yet

.. Dresses

I am so fabulous today. :) Beautiful and I so know it lol. I didn't wake up today and wish I was another size, today I am more then ok being me fat and all. Like I said in my last blog I only have those days about twice a month and I'm sure that ladies you know what I mean. I'm taking a small trip today just going to visit some old friends from college and I am so happy to be doing this. I haven't seen them since last year and some even longer then that. I so hope that my best friend and I have a ball on this trip. I may be wearing a dress.! that's BIG for me.

The last time I wore a dress I was in the seventh grade and even though I had gained my confidence two years before it was still very fragile. The dress was a Christmas present from my mother and I still can remember opening the box and seeing it. I instantly loved that dress. I remember thinking that it looked so grown up (which is a big thing to a little girl) and so pretty. I wore it exactly one time. I walked into school that day with my head up and a little make-up that my aunt had given me and I remember thinking that I was IT! The day was half way over when some girls let me know how NOT it I was.

Now I'm not the kind of person who believes every negative thing that someone says to me in fact I'm the kind of person now who could care less about what someone thinks of me. I guess at that age and not having my confidence long the insults kind of stayed with me.

So I have a dress its crazy to me that I actually bought one. My aunt has been trying to get me to buy dresses for years (something about me being tall and how they'll look pretty) now I have. I guess I'll let you know If I were it. If I don't it won't be because f the things those girls said that day (I don't think....I hope not) It'll be because maybe the style's not for me, remember it the first in years and years.

..Insecurities

Mieka No comment yet

..Insecurities

Some days I hate waking up fat. On those mornings I wish I had magic powers, the ability to go from my current size to about half my size. For the most part I only have those days one or two times a month, today was one of those days. I didn't go to sleep last night thinking "Man I wish I was smaller". In fact yesterday was a perfectly happy and confident day for me it's just something that I sometimes experience. The good thing is that I know that I'm not alone in this. I know that there are millions of other women out there who have the same feelings as I do. Maybe for them it's their skin or their hair or even something as crazy as their ears whatever it is I know that I am not alone in having my off days. College gave me a chance to meet lots and lots of different people. I don't think it was until then that I realized that I wasn't the only person in the world who fought for confidence every day. One of my closest friends there was this girl who till this day I think could give Halle Berry and Beyonce a run for their money... and probably win. She was beautiful. You would never guess by looking at her that she had to struggle to like her appearance. I would have never imaged that she had not one issue with what she saw when she looked in the mirror each day. But she had all the same issues that I had and many that I didn't have. On one of those long weeknights when we both should have been asleep because of early classes we stayed up late into the night and just simply talked (maybe there were some tears involved) and shared our insecurities.That conversation was the first of many more with not only her but other young women who felt the same way that we did. During my first year of college I discovered that I had a lot more confidence then most of the people surrounding me. I realized that more then likely it had always been that way only I never noticed. I do like myself and on most days I even like what I see when I look in the mirror. It's just that some days like today I wish that I wasn't fat. But then the day is over and I take a look at myself in the mirror and I realize that being fat helped to shape me into the person that I am. I do want to loose weight but I also realize that I love me just as I am and that their are lots of people who love me regardless of my size.

random thoughts

Mieka No comment yet

random thoughts

So I miss you still

after all this time I still think of you

in between relationships

when he didn't meet up to the standers you set

in the middle of the night when I find my self longing for arms to hold me

at times when I find myself remembering past fun and laughs

I think of you

.... and I start to miss you

Mieka No comment yet

I think that I... Love you. I'm not sure when it happened I only know that it has. and I want you. Can see all my tomorrows at your side and ever smile shared with you. I sometimes spend hours thinking of you. That first time that I head you. My ears found you before my eyes ever saw you. Your voice calling out to me across the crowed room. It was as if you were standing beside me, talking only to me. And then as I was trying to put a face with that beautiful voice you laughed and I know at that second I wanted all your laughs to belong to me. I'm not sure what I expected you to look like but I was far from being disappointed. Man.... I think....I think I love you. I wasn't ready for this and at the same time more then ready for you. I've been looking for what has seemed like forever for ... well ....for.... you. So unperfect in every way yet so perfect for me. So happy that I have found you...so happy to have you....so happy...

It's not going to work

Mieka No comment yet

It's not going to work

I wonder... do you really see me. When you look at ME is it really me you see or are you only seeing what you wish to? Do you even care to see the real me? Do I matter to you? These questions keep flying though my head day in and out ..it's all I can think of. Do you know me? ......You can't. You say you love me and yet I know that it's not possible for you to. You have no idea what lies beneath this wall that I keep up. No idea whats hiding behind my eyes. And frankly I'm not willing to show you. See I don't love you either. Unlike you I know that I don't know you, I can see that there is something dark in you larking beneath the surface, behind your smiles and your laughs. I don't know the real you but I do understand secrets. And you sir have secrets. The softness that you you put in your voice when you are talking to others may fool them but it's not fooling me. I see the you that you keep a tight leash on. See the shadows in your glaze. No.... I don't love you and I know right now that I never will.

Move on

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Move on

The rain stooped today and the sun came out bright and free the clouds moved out of the way and a rainbow appeared as if just for me. I no longer cry at the sound of your name or become dazed when I think of you The time of our love is now over and I feel that I can move on without you So I'll remove all the old pictures of us together Out the house and out of my mind And I'll stop wondering why you chose her over me For today is a new day and its time to move on.

a drive

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a drive

Went to the country today just for a visit. We only got out the car for a minuet. We mostly just drove around and looked. For my grandmother it was a chance to see the place were her parents lived, cried, loved and was laid to rest. A place that she long remembered. For my aunt it was the beginning. The start of her life, her first school, her first home. And me well for me it was a place that held history and life. I don't know what I expected but in no way was it the knowledge I received. The land is so beautiful there, trees that reached the sky and the prettiest green grass as far as the eye can see and every few miles a lake that spoke of peace and serenity. My grandmother use to live on a piece of that land. A long time ago but yet not that long at all. It belonged to her parents and it was the land that she was raised on, the place she spent her childhood. It was the first time that I had seen this land that had at one time been owned by my family. The first time that I had seen where she and her siblings were raised. Looking at the simple beauty of the land I couldn't understand why this wasn't a place that we still could come to and relax. But then she told me. like most black families in the south at that time who were somewhat of a success they constantly faced racism. The land was taken from her family by white southerns. Although her father had completely paid for the land after his death the land was taken away. The story is sad but no more then any other normal southern black family of that time.

Dark

Mieka No comment yet

Dark

I never believed that you could really be lonely in a crowd, but here I am
surrounded by many and yet so alone. Missing what life use to be and trying to find my happiness. Searching it seems in all the wrong places. It's always dark, where is the light? Sometimes I reach out for it only to have it shimmer into nothingness...I'm not weak I am strong but as days pass without change I find my strength receding.. always less then the day before. I'm not one of the many who can't hope for the best, but as days turn into weeks and weeks into months and everyday seems the same I loose a little more. I don't know the last time I smiled a real smile, don't know the last time I didn't hide behind fake words and untrue laughs. I can't seem to escape this darkness. Each day I try and each night I find that it has only become darker, this hole void of brightness deeper. I'm screaming for help on the inside but so much of me won't allow those screams to become anything more then just whispers only I can hear. I'm not sure if I know how to take down these shields remove this mask. It's been so much apart of me these last few years that it's becoming .....me. I'm sick of this, need more then this. I..... need .....light.