PMS ing???
It's 5:54am and I just got off the phone with my aunt. During the conversation fat came up...but then of course it did we are both plus sized women. My aunt told me that I may want to stop saying 'I'm pretty' b/c that's what ugly people like to say to people and I'm pretty so I really don't need the words anyway. Now I should explain to you that my aunt is super duper b-o-s-s-y. She tells me how to walk, talk, do my hair and ...well basically everything. I told her that I felt ugly half my life so I tell myself "I'm Pretty" so that I wont get to that place again... Do you know what she said? this lady...whom I love lol.... said "No you didn't b/c people always told you, you were pretty from the time that you were a baby til now". Now people how she gon just tell me about MY emotions?!? WHAT! So ok I replied "well yeah they did BUT they also would say "..and she so fat" when I was really young, and as I began to grow it was "..to be so fat" as if you can only be one thing. I told her that when you give someone a compliment and then an insult right after (and at that age fat was an insult now it just is) that it canceled out. And for me that's what happened. I spent my childhood feeling like it wasn't enough to be pretty and feeling ugly because I was fat. And to be honest I have been saying "I'm pretty" more lately, but I have been feeling ugly for a while now, so I need those words to help get me back to the confident woman I am. I'm sick of faking the funk. My aunt should understand this , but all I heard from her was her disbelief in what I said..or rather thats how I felt. It takes a lot for me to come out to someone and say "I don't feel pretty" b/c I am always the person who is happy with myself.But right now people I'm not, and on top on being fat, It's beena hard few months.
I keep telling myself "get pass it, this is not you" but its not working. I'm sad and it's not all about my weight but alot of it is and the sadder I feel the more I eat. Lately I been looking at pictures of me from fall and comparing them to pictures of me now and there is a huge difference. I feel...just awful.
I hate writing this. I hate putting this down b/c this is not supposed to be me. I am not this person. I'm Pamieka, happy, confident, walk with a twist, and the person that my friends come to for advice. This... is ...not... me.
But since it's all out here anyway maybe I should admit that I fake it alot but I do truly believe that life is what you make it and that happiness is a choice...I just can't figure out how to get there right now.
It's a bad day for me bloggers but then hell who am I kidding it's been a bad few months.
I am VERY possibly just PMSing super hard right now
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